34 Personal Testimonials About Extremely Annoying Sex Partners (NSFW)

Trifonenko Ivan. Orsk / (Shutterstock.com)
Trifonenko Ivan. Orsk / (Shutterstock.com)
Found on AskReddit.

1. She talks about the 401K plan.

Talks. Conversational level talking. Like “let’s talk about the bills” level shit.

Let’s not talk about the 401K, just show me your TNA, woman.

2. He insists on wearing a T-shirt.

He won’t take off his shirt. No matter what. And this line of thinking only applies during sex. Swimming? No problem. Changing clothes? Done. Start to initiate sexy times? Hold on, let me grab a T-shirt.

3. She lies there, thinking about her speech class.

She kinda just lies there; last time I asked what she was thinking about, she said something about her speech class, so that sexy time was finished.

4. He acts like I’m faking the noises; it makes my vagina dryer than ice cream.

Tells me “You don’t have to make those noises” or “You don’t have to pretend.” I sound like a porno when I’m into it. I’m moaning and cursing because I wasn’t thinking about how I sounded during sex…. But now I am, and my vagina is dryer than the ice cream.

5. Antidepressants make him anti-orgasmic.

He can’t cum.

He’s on antidepressants, it takes over an hour if him wanking and me talking dirty to him. I can’t remember the last time he’s cum inside of me.

6. She’d make a face that looked like Elvis eating peanut butter.

My ex used to make a face that looked like Elvis eating some really sticky peanut butter. I’ll never get her face out of my head…

7. It’s like going down a water slide with no water.

Go in while I’m dry. Excuse me, but is this really comfortable for you? ‘Cause it hurts me. It’s got to be like going down a waterside, buck nekkid, with no water.

8. He doesn’t even ask before sticking things in my ass.

He always tries to stick things in my ass without asking.

9. He needs to watch porn while we’re doing it.

He wouldn’t be able to cum unless he was watching porn. At first, he didn’t tell me and did it behind my back on his phone. Made me feel incredibly self-conscious and really unattractive. Just insecure. The sex is mind-blowingly, incredibly fantastic, so much so that it’s almost like an addiction. So I never understood why he would need it.

10. She does the old hilarious foot-in-my-ass-crack maneuver.

In doggy position with her feet together, she puts the back of her foot in my ass crack. She finds it hilarious.

11. She suffocates me with her ass cheeks.

Clenches her ass cheeks periodically while I eat her vag & butt from behind.

Absolutely stop suffocating me.

12. She giggled too goddamned much while we were boning.

One of mine used to giggle. A lot. It took me a while to get used to the idea that she was doing it because of how she was enjoying herself, and I eventually came to love it, but goddamn if it didn’t make me self-conscious when we first started boning.

13. Worse than giggles—huge belly laughs.

Ex used to laugh. Not a cute little giggle, but huge belly laugh.

I know she couldn’t help it, that it wasn’t a shot at me, and it was simply her enjoying sex. But fuuuck, it could be off-putting when eating pussy and I would pull out my dick while she’s laughing her ass off.

14. “Patience, young grasshopper.”

I had an ex that literally every time we would have sex at some point would say, “Patience, young grasshopper.” That shit was annoying as fuck.

15. “No pants party time!”

“No pants party time!”…then flops his cock out. No…I don’t like that.

16. This isn’t a sweat lodge, fella.

He puts the blanket around me when I’m on top. It makes me too hot. I’m already working up a sweat here; I don’t need a comforter around my entire lower body.

17. Keep your slutty nurse outfit on!

When we are roleplaying she takes off the outfit before the actual sex part. If you are dressed as a slutty nurse then I wanna fuck a slutty nurse! Leave it on!

18. She keeps shifting gears.

She takes a while to warm up, then once she actually gets going she’s afraid of losing it so she wants to go really quickly to make sure.

I have to spend ages delaying with every trick I know then suddenly rush to keep up!

19. Five-second blowjobs.

Goes to give me a blowjob and stops after 5 seconds. After I’ve just given her 10 minutes of oral. Doesn’t do it every time, just occasionally so I tend to skip oral altogether now as it’s just going to annoy me.

20. Insists on blowjobs. Like. Every. Time.

He makes me suck his dick like every. Time. And don’t get me wrong, I love doing it for him, but when I’m MADE to do it almost every day, I really kinda end up wanting to bite it off….

21. Changes position at the worst time. Sorry—at the best time.

Changes position when it starts feeling really good!!

22. She kicks me in the face when she cums.

When my GF cums, she uncontrollably kicks, hits, and grabs anything in her path, and then I can’t touch her because she starts to laugh uncontrollably. It’s not annoying, I just don’t like to get kicked in the face after going down on her.

23. He does really bad impersonations and fake accents…during sex.

Impersonations and accents, but he’s really bad at them.

24. She cums waaaay too fast, then tries rushing me.

Is impatient. It gets seriously annoying when were enjoying things and all she wants is to get the orgasm, quick as she can. She also cums waaaay too fast.

25. Her knuckles crack.

Sometimes her knuckles crack and I get distracted and I have to stop and get readjusted.

26. She’d make me choke her until she turned blue.

My ex-girlfriend made me choke her. Like serious hardcore choking until she turned blue. I’m all down for some slight BDSM or whatever, but that really made me uncomfortable.

27. Spits on my cunt.

Spits on my cunt.

28. She stops to pee right before she cums.

My ex would always stop me just as she was just about to have an orgasm, “Stop, Stop….”: “What, why?” : “I feel weird, think I need to pee…” All that effort wasted, sigh >_<

29. He’s just. So. Quiet.

He’s just. So. Quiet.

30. Toothy BJs.

Teeth + blowjob = :'(

31. He bites my face.

He bites my face. My ears and lips and stuff too which I don’t mind but he full on nips my cheeks and jaw. I’ve told him heaps of times to not do it because it hurts and he gets shitty. Urgh.

32. He stops, makes an ugly face, and starts scratching himself.

Whenever my SO gets too hot he will stop what he is doing, make an ugly face, and start scratching himself all over.

33. He makes really stupid dirty talk.

He tries talking dirty during sex and I have to tell him to shut up because most of the things he’s saying make me want to burst into laughter.

Please don’t ruin the mood.

34. OK, then, I think we’re finished here.

My ex’s ass smelled. Ugh. TC mark

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