Ladies, you need to print out this list and tape it to your headboard.
1. Our ears are ultra-sensitive to the touch.
Whether you breathe, moan, nibble, or lick our ears, you are tapping into a pleasure zone that you didn’t even know existed until I just told you. Fog up his ear with your hot, sultry breath, and he will have no choice but to immediately propose marriage to you.
2. So are our armpits.
Hopefully your man is into some serious manscaping, because otherwise his armpit area may resemble a dank, musty Panamanian jungle. But if it’s well-groomed and relatively clean, running your tongue along the crease in his armpit or even on the ‘pit itself will send him into such throes of ecstasy that he will do your laundry for a year.
3. And our nipples.
The man-nip is the only part of the male body that serves no other purpose except erotic pleasure. Bite, tug and pinch them—but do it wisely, without causing him undue pain and embarrassment—and you will own his heart.
4. And our balls.
Assuming he shaves and washes them and they don’t hang as low as a bloodhound’s jowls, here is another area where tender licking and perhaps a gentle massage will hypnotize him for the rest of his life, whereupon he will do your bidding and watch your favorite Netflix movies with you even though he doesn’t want to.
5. Right behind the knee is also highly sensitive.
This is the biggest Secret Love Area of this entire list. For whatever reason, God made the soft area in the back of his knee where his leg bends very sensitive to the touch. Therefore, touch it with a tender, understanding sort of finesse, and you will never have to tell him to pick up his socks—he’ll do it without being asked.
6. So is our ass, but we don’t like to talk about it.
The male “G-spot” is the prostate gland, which is hidden cruelly a couple inches inside his anus. A sharply curved finger massaging this hidden Almond of Joy during a blow job will have him signing his life’s savings over to you if you merely promise to do it to him one more time in the unforeseen future.