Sometimes I abruptly think “kill yourself” and it used to alarm me until I realized it wasn’t a call to physical self-harm but a desire to destroy my ego and my preconceptions about what constituted myself. I firmly believe the only thing standing between you and what you want is that you are the one who wants it. If you let go of who you think you are you have no self-imposed limits and hence can achieve what you actually want without the misconceptions of what you think you want.
I often think about what someone thinks of me (as I’m sure most people do), the only difference is, I will then ask myself what I would be able to get away with? If I punched this guy, could I play it off as a joke? Or how it would work out if I told friends that, while I’m not necessarily attracted to them, I feel very comfortable around them and would be completely down to have sex with them? Are my best friends and I close enough that I could actually tell them that I love them?
”I’m tired. Burned out from a long day. My mind drifts off and I think about a thousand things at the same time. How it is weird that we have never found aliens, how some people react to certain situations. I think about my life, though it is just a short 18 years, I think of them. How I was such a playful kid back in the day and how careless it was. My responsibilities drifted me away from being able to play, but I’m fine with that. I think on how I should’ve done things differently and how I would’ve turned out if I did decide something else. My life could’ve been different, for the good or worse. These thoughts drift through my head as the day ends and the sun goes down. Then one thought occurs to me, that one thought. I’m one in 7 billion who thinks at this moment. One in 7 billion on this planet. Everyone has thoughts, and mine are just a small breeze compared to the hurricane of the world. I decide to deal with it. My thoughts are just inferior memories in a chaotic world of thoughts.”
This is really weird but I’m a tall (6 foot 2) guy, bags under my eyes, with kinda muscular arms and when I’m alone with a female that I don’t know (like in an elevator) I think to myself, “I hope she doesn’t think I’m going to rape her or kill her.” This happens almost every time and I just don’t want girls to feel scared around me!
I literally don’t even like killing wasps or flies; the only animals I have killed are mosquitos.