Sometimes I stop and realize that society is entirely made up. No one has any idea why we exist or what happens after we die, but we all live our lives as though we know what we’re doing and where we’re going. There are people that the entire world knows, but that’s just a product of humanity. We have our 9-5 jobs, we start families, we have fun, but everyone’s just ignoring the fact that our entire existence is unexplained. There’s a layer under our created reality that no one will ever understand.
I am supposed to wake up every day and convince myself that I have a sense of purpose even though the human race has survived without me for thousands of years, and it will continue to survive without me when I die.
Every time I hear about a mass shooting on the news and they give the number of people dead/injured, I always think to myself, “Only X casualties? I could do better than that.” Which is weird because I’m an aggressively nice guy, or at least I try to be. I guess what’s more disturbing is that there are enough mass shootings that I get to have that thought fairly regularly.
“I want to have sex with you.”
My mind also tends to go, “What could go wrong in this situation?” and then ends up playing out the scenarios in my head. I was driving earlier with my girlfriend in the passenger’s seat and my mind played out a scene where a cyclist slammed into the window, smashing it. IDK; my mind is weird.
“The world would be better off without me. My family would be better off without me. I would be better off dead. I should just kill myself.”