Oh, man, the intrusive thoughts are terrible.
“Hey you should drive your car off that cliff.”
“Remember that person you find really unattractive? You’re now picturing having sex with them.”
“It would be a really good idea to smell the garbage to make sure it smells like garbage.”
I may sound clinically depressed, but at least once a day it hits me that everything I’ve ever done, am doing, or will do is pretty much pointless and futile, and that even though I hope for the things that I want and it keeps me going, the reality is it’ll probably never be as good as what I dream will happen and maybe I should just give up trying because there’s really no point and it’s not going to get any better by tomorrow. Again, not suicidal, but I feel completely pointless and like I’ll never be truly happy or be with my soul mate because if it hasn’t happened or gotten better by now, chances are it’ll be the same meaningless crap tomorrow, too.
I work in a dementia unit and have thought, “What if I end up alone, confused, and dying?” They’ve achieved so much in their lives but now it’s like…I don’t know, I can’t explain it.
I would also like to tell a story about this woman who came to us on respite care. I work in a dementia care where the people have advanced dementia (to the point they can’t do anything for themselves), but this lady who came to us appeared normal. If you saw her walking down the street, you wouldn’t suspect anything was wrong. But she had telling signs of dementia. She constantly repeated herself and the stories she was telling me and was very paranoid as she believed her partner’s sister was out to get her. Her partner of five years also wanted to leave her because of her constant anger outbursts.
She said this to me, though. “I know my mind is going, I can feel it slipping away. That scares me so much because I can feel myself going.” She then saw this lady walk past her room (who had very advanced dementia) and asked me, “Will I end up like her?”
I answered no (because I didn’t want to upset her), but Jesus Christ, that broke my heart. When she’s dying, surrounded by loved ones, she might not be able to remember who they are or what she has achieved in her life, but I like to think at the last minute before they pass away, they remember everything.