1. Ate a dead fly off the ceiling.
In college I ate a dead fly off the ceiling of our apartment that had been there for a few months. I got ten dollars for it. I regret nothing.
2. Ate chunky peanut butter out of my uncle’s mouth.
I ate chunky peanut butter out of my uncle’s mouth for 20 bucks.
3. Licked a fetal pig.
Licked a fetal pig in the 8th grade for $80.
4. Ate a mealworm.
During Biology freshman year of high school we had a science experiment. This experiment consisted of growing a mealworm into a beetle. My friend and I weren’t smart. He brought out $5 and next thing I know… There’s a beetle in my stomach. I wouldn’t have been caught if it weren’t for those damn kids freaking out… Dicks.
5. Sold nude pics of my sister.
Sold my sister’s nudes to a friend.
6. Let someone put something in my butt.
I let my friend’s brother put something in my butt for Pokémon yellow. I didn’t and still don’t know what it was. I’m a dude.
7. Sucked my stepdad’s cock.
My stepdad used to give me money to suck his cock. I got extra for swallowing.
8. Sucked a dick for bus fare.
I sucked a dick for a bus fare then walked home.
9. Let someone lift me off the ground by my nipples.
Back in high school I let somebody lift me off the ground by my nipples for $4 so I could eat that day. My reasoning behind it was that since I was pretty light it shouldn’t hurt that bad because well, there wasn’t much of me to lift. And while I wasn’t entirely wrong, I was still an idiot. I ate like a king that day, though.
10. Teabagged a roommate.
Pair of roommates, friends of mine in college, got mad at each other. Passive aggressive war escalates.
One guy knew I was broke, and offered me $20 if I put my testicles on the other’s forehead.
So … other guy is setting up some speakers, asks for help, he’s kneeling on the ground reaching behind the speaker and I’m leaning it back while he hooks up the wires, we push it into place, then the second the speaker is settled I say, "Sorry about this bro," grab him by his hair, pull his head back, and dropped my nuts right on his forehead.
Then I dropped him, ran upstairs, and shut the door to the other roommate’s room while he continued yelling obscenities. I barricaded the door and he started trying to knock it down, and the other roomie looks at me and goes, "Oh shit, you actually did it," handed me $20, and I climbed out the window.
11. Delivered pizza and cock.
I was delivering pizzas and a trucker lady took a fancy to me. Tipped well, started requesting me on deliveries. One night she invites me in and she is wearing what you consider lingerie, she is about 5’4” and 300+, she tells me she wants to blow me. I, not wanting to pass up the delivery driver dream, close my eyes and access all my spank bank.
Lo, my brothers, let me tell you, she sucked a mean fucking dick. She also tipped me roughly 75%. She says, “Thanks. Hope we can do this again.”
I fucking strut out if that goddamn hotel and continue strutting all night.
She requests me again and again and again. This goes on for months. BJs and generous tips, terribly unflattering lingerie and a little self-loathing, but mostly some mad-ass strutting.
It warms up and I go back to doing construction, leaving the pizza biz for the birds. She gets ahold of me on FB and offers me $100, drinks, and a steak dinner to come see her. I can’t turn this shit down.
This is the beginning of the shameful tale of my "have sex with ugly women for money" phase.
12. Put a whole banana in my mouth.
Put a whole banana in my mouth so this homeless guy could get off to it.
13. Received a BJ for an Xbox.
A large woman gave me her ex-boyfriend’s Xbox 360 to blow me.
14. Shit in a cup and smeared it on a car.
Took a shit in a cup and smeared it on some kid’s car because my buddy was too scared to do it himself. Gave me 30 dollars for it and I bought Red Dead Redemption with the money.
15. Let men fuck me in the ass.
I’ve let men fuck me in the ass for money. Drugs, too.
Gotta go!
16. Got peed on…daily.
Get peed on every day for $300 per day.
17. Peed in beer bottles and sold it as beer.
Back in the day when you could buy Miller High Life pony bottles, a buddy and I drank a case of them. We pissed in and recapped the bottles.
Sold them to a freshman for twenty bucks.
18. Stuck French fries in my nose.
I stuck French fries in my nose for items off the dollar menu. My friends took advantage when I was poor.
19. Kissed a rotting deer skull.
I once made out with a decomposing deer skull. Easiest 5 bucks I’ve ever made.
20. Shortchanged senior citizens.
While working at Wendy’s through high school, I would work the register pretty frequently. At Wendy’s they have the senior discount button that would give 10% off the order. I would tell them their total, then before finalizing the order, push the 10% off button. I would give them the change they were expecting, pocket the 10%, and throw away their receipt. Every once in a while it would be busy and I would not be able to take out the money right there, leave it ’til it got slow, but one time I forgot to take out like $20+ and almost got in some trouble for a drawer way over.
21. Went door-to-door for a fake charity.
I made up a fake charity and went door to door in my large suburban neighborhood with a bucket, collecting money. I was like fifteen or so? My morals weren’t fully grown.
22. Harassed an overweight girl.
In middle school a "friend" of mine told me he’d give me $6 if I harassed a heavier girl who walked the same path we did every day. So I did. I called her fat, called her a whale, even spit some water all over her head. Not proud of any of it by any means. About a week later I got called to the principal’s office and got the lecture of "WTF is your problem, kid?!" Got detention and wrote her an apology letter.
23. Shaved off both eyebrows.
Shaved off both my eyebrows for a measly $5.
24. Became a human ashtray.
I have a deep burn on my arm where I let someone put out a cigarette for a dollar, I hadn’t eaten in 2 days and was at work for the first time in months. When the guy saw that I used the money for a double cheese burger on the lunch run, he apologized and gave me $5 more (all he had); he thought I was a crackhead.
25. Dunked my head in a toilet.
I used to dunk my head in toilets for 25 cents for people who wanted to see.
26. Called the cops on a roommate.
I had this roommate I really hated. One of the worst people I’ve ever had to be around. Loud, ignorant, and obnoxious. He worked in a pharmacy, and rather recklessly stole a ton of pills and sold them to his friends.
When I moved out, I knew there was some kind of festival or whatever coming up, so he was stocking up on amphetamines. He also had a stash of cocaine. Once I was completely moved out and my name was no longer attached to the property/bills, I called in an anonymous tip and got him busted. Since my tip led to an arrest and lots of contraband, they paid me $1,000.
I’ll probably never forgive myself. But I’m also glad I did it.
27. Ate my own dingleberry.
Ate my own dingleberry…for $2.
28. Bit a guy’s nipple.
I bit a guy friend’s nipple for a quarter one drunken night in college.
29. Jerked off into a shot glass.
Got paid 40 bucks to wank it in a shot glass so the guy could drink it.
30. Ghostwrote lesbian erotica.
I ghostwrote 3 pages of lesbian erotica for a guy for $30. Wife found the transaction, got pissed, thus ended my brief porn-writing career.
31. Pretended I was a doorman.
Smoking a cigarette outside a seedy club wearing a blazer and ear buds. A couple kids wearing Best Buy work polos nervously approach the front door and proceed to show me their IDs. "It’s 10 bucks to get in tonight, guys."
32. Sold fake cancer bracelets.
Convinced people to buy those horrible magnetic bracelets that are meant to cure cancer or whatever. My partner’s Mum makes a killing out of those.
33. Sold chocolate “for charity” and kept the money.
When I was in high school, I worked as a janitor in an elementary school. This elementary school would have "The World’s Best Chocolate" fundraisers where the kids would sell chocolate in various forms. So what I would do is I would steal a suitcase full of chocolate bars and sell them to my friends at school under the pretense that I was selling them for a kid at work.
I’m pretty ashamed of this.
34. Popped someone’s tire for gas money.
Popped somebody’s tire so that they would HAVE to get a ride from me, and then "spot me for gas" later.
35. Rolled a passed-out drunk.
I am NOT proud of this, but I was young and stupid and VERY drunk after a night out during my college years.
My roommate and I were walking home from the bar and we saw a kid passed out wasted behind a bush next to some apartments. We tried to wake the kid up but he was out cold. Thankfully there was a public safety phone (blue light phone) right there. We got him on his side/stomach and used the phone to call public safety so they could come get him. We also took the $20 bucks from his wallet for our time.
Like I said, I’m not proud of it but it paid for beer the next night.
