To The Man I Cannot Unlove

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Allef Vinicius / Unsplash

There are nights when I can’t sleep, so I rely on the thought of you to keep me company through another night of insomnia. As the ringing silence of emptiness exists in my heart, you come in my head like the memory a mother has of her newborn child – precious and unreal. You walk past all of the walls I have built around myself and let them crumble down to the ground as you reach out your hand to touch my back. All those just to ruin and recreate me. All those just to remind me, “We will never be.”

You see, I never knew that there could be a kind of love that can lead one person to self-destruct. Or perhaps I just got too distracted with you to even realize my own downfall. I got too amazed watching an angel walk by me in person to even notice myself headed to the darkness of my mind. Where are you now when I want to see heaven? Where are you now when I want to believe in something?

I don’t know how to say this, but I really loved you so much. Seeing you made my day, watching you laugh tickled my heart with joy, and hearing your voice fooled me into thinking that everything’s alright even though it wasn’t.

You made me feel like loving you was being in heaven, but in reality, it was falling from heaven and landing on shards.

All I could see was what’s great, but not what could hurt me.

While I was drowning in my feelings for you, I was headed toward my misery. I came to dread mornings while I wrote stories for you, hate myself while I wrote poems about you, cry myself to sleep while I imagined an us. My attention was with you while I was dying inside. I’m not blaming you.

I want to thank you for giving me a little bit of joy during those difficult times.

It’s been years since we last saw each other since we last talked. I have forgotten how your voice sounds, but I have not forgotten your face, the one I used to stare at back then. I’m getting better now, and I promised myself to give up on you and to focus on myself first, yet sometimes I still think about you.

At night when I can’t sleep, I wonder, “If you had known me back then, would there have been a chance of you falling for me or would I have just been pathetic to you?” Because, I swear, I can be something more. I am more than an insecure and shy girl.

I have recreated myself into someone trying to be strong – someone who I wasn’t when I was still in love with you. Yet you’re still the one I yearn for, the one I want to be with after all this time.

Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to hold your hand, feel your arms around me, listen to you whisper sweet nothings in my ear, laugh with me, be the reason behind your smile, wear your hoodie, kiss you on your cheek, make you a cup of coffee, rant to you about stuff. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be with you. And whenever I do, it’s when I can’t sleep at night. So if you ever see me with tired eyes, just remember: I sometimes spend the night thinking about you.

Because I still love you… or maybe just the idea of you. TC mark

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