i used to love you with all of my heart. i used to search for you in different faces, write about you in different pages, look for you in different places. you were the landmine in my sanctuary, and instead of avoiding you, i’d be eager to know where you’re mapped. but then, loving you from afar did not become enough, and you were starting to fall for this girl. i got envious. while i tried to follow you from behind, you and her were laughing like you two were the only people in the world. you smiled at her, and she smiled at you. it made me imagine what it might be like if you were with awkward me instead. a pang of sadness crushes my heart to take note of how it would not be the same. in the first place, you never saw me. what makes me think that i will be a person worth noticing by you? so i stopped looking at you, cried for a little while, only to realise that i never had confidence in myself while i was so confident of liking you. i want to blame you for distracting me from myself. i want to hate you, but i can’t.
now, even if i no longer feel anything, i try to see myself the way you’ll see me. i have this need to compensate for my poor traits. it is like i entered an empty room with you judging everything there is to judge about me. why am i trying to match your standards when i no longer like you? why am i acting like i am still the silly, little girl chasing after you? i hate this. a simple crush became a toxic challenge for me. my love for you used to be blood, and now it’s poison.
maybe if you tell me i’m enough, or it’s enough, i’ll stop. i just need to know that you actually see me.