When I think about you, I go back. Back to the days where you were mine, and not hers. The days that filled my bones with hope and love, and kept me wishing for days just like those for a very long time.
I think about the way it made me feel waking up knowing you were going to be a part of my day. Or better yet, thinking of the time we had just had together hours before. I think about when you told me you were starting to love me, and how I dangled on those words for a day too long because I thought you’d be on the other side of the phone when I called every single time.
I think about your goodbye. The first, second, and the third and how each one hurt a little more. I think about closure, and how desperately I need it.
I think about how broken I felt when you were gone, and how angry I was at myself for allowing you to make me whole. I think about that the most. Who I was before you, and who I am now. I got lost in you.
You consumed me, in every piece of my life. And I let you fill those spaces, happily and with beaming pride. Because when you said “forever,” I heard every letter.
But what hurts the most is that our story didn’t come to fruition. We did not find our last chapter. Instead, only I showed up for the promised “forever,” and you found your way to her.
Now, she wears your ring and raises your child under the roof you share. And I get this town, my mind, and these goddamn memories. I have your number saved. I always make sure I have it saved, even on new phones. I guess it’s in case you ever decide to dial the 10 numbers that lead you back to me.
But I know better. And I know how this goes, from here on out. I know you’ve made your decision, and you’ve paved your path. I know I am not the destination anymore, as well as I know that I am not along for the ride either.
I know that I am now building a life that you will never get the chance to visit, and that I will be stronger and better for it. I will have changed and grown through the pain and the learning. I will have blossomed from what was once broken and shattered. I will find my way through your hurt. Your absence.
And I will find my way to the someone who can offer me a forever, a forever they actually plan on showing up to.
But until then, I want you to know that I think about you. I think about you often. Sometimes, just wondering where you are and what you’re doing.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of me. A lot of the times I’m wishing someone, maybe even God, could tell me if it meant half as much to you as it did me.
Because it feels real. Every breath that almost shatters my ribs, since I found out you can never be mine again…that’s real. And I want you to know that I will be okay if it did not mean what it meant to me, to you. I will be just fine. Because, if I’m being completely honest, one of the best things that’s ever happened to me was you. And I’m thankful for you.
I’m thankful for every piece of my life that you touched. Even the parts that broke my heart. You changed me for the better. I am stronger and better for knowing you, and loving you. I became more of who I was meant to be, and I owe a lot of it to you. You, and your leaving. You helped me find me. And for that, I can’t thank you enough.
When I think of you, I just see me now. And damn, am I proud of that girl.