This Is How You Leave Me

Ashim D’Silva
Ashim D’Silva

I stepped out of my car as I saw his headlights pull up behind me. I used the few seconds it took for him to get out of the car to breath in the cold air. The weather was fitting for what was to come. Leaning on my car, I looked up at the night sky scanning the stars trying to brace myself for the events about to unfold.

As he approached me I smiled, trying to hide the sadness I felt. He smiled back, trying to hide his discomfort as we embraced. As I hugged him, I tried to wrap my head around the idea that this was the last time I would hold him with my heart still intact. We made our way to a bench on the other side of the park in silence. There was always a comfort between us when we were together. Silences were never awkward, but tonight, I felt the tension.

As we sat down on the bench I leaned my head back, propping it up to look at the stars. There was no way I could look at him while he shattered my heart. As he let out a big breath, I closed my eyes bracing myself for the impact of his words.

“I think we should stop seeing each other.”

Instantaneously tears started to form behind my eyelids. I tightened them to keep the tears from flowing down my face. I felt his eyes scan my face waiting for a reaction, but I kept my face calm, I did not want to show him how much his words affected me. I took a deep breath letting my chest rise as the cold air filled my lungs. I had to keep my composure. I let my breathe out hoping to rid myself of the sadness created within the last few seconds.
As my tears dried I opened my eyes turning towards him.

His hands were in his pocket, his head resting on the back of the bench staring at the stars. What I would not give for this moment to be a bad dream. For me to wake up with my head resting on his chest and his arms around me. Feeling my gaze, he turned his head toward me bringing me back to reality.

I am going to miss him.

Knowing there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind, I leaned forward, giving him a kiss on the forehead, and started heading back to my car.

Within taking my first step away from him, I felt the tears start to resurface, I needed to leave, quickly. I felt a tug on my wrist and turned around. His eyes were soft, filled with sadness knowing he hurt not only me, but himself as well.

“You aren’t going to say anything?”

My tears fought their way back to the surface and streamed down my face. My heart raced, struggling between anger and sadness. I wondered what there was left to say.

“I love you. I never meant to love you, but I do. I fell for you more and more everyday with the knowledge that you would never feel as deeply about me as I felt about you. Knowing this, I should have let you go, but the thought of us intrigued me. Between our inside jokes, handshakes, foreheads kisses, and moments providing glimpses of how it would be to be together, I realized how amazing we would be. But, now you’re letting me go because how amazing we would be scares you. You think that if we were together that you would mess it up and I would eventually hate you. Well, congratulations honey, I hate you. I hate you because you are too scared to be with me.”

He loosened his grip on my wrist, speechless.

I turned, proceeding back to my car. The icy air turning my tears cold as they fell down my face. As I sat in my car I could not help but think that this was a mistake. TC mark

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