I’ve always said that I would never be the girl to regret anything in my life. It’s a waste of time and it changes nothing. Well, where do I find myself today? Regretting one thing, and although this one thing could be changed at any time, I don’t think I want to change it.
Let me explain. I am a huge romantic. No I don’t care about getting swooned or having one of those romances that only happen in the movies. In reality I get more pleasure out of doing stuff for someone else rather than getting it done for me. That’s where the regret comes in. I hate being that person.
Recently I found myself in a friends with benefits situation. I know, I know, that is a huge no no for someone like me. I get too attached. But I would like to say that I am damn good at hiding my inner crazy. Long story short, I met him at a club got entirely too drunk (my mistake for not eating anything), he took care of me and we woke up together. No nothing happened that night, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well after that it just sort of happened. He now stays with me 5 times a week and we have sex, a lot. He expressed to me why he was single was because he didn’t want anything serious, he was too busy yada yada yada. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to jump into something having no feelings whatsoever, so I expressed that I had the same feelings. Stupid on my part I know. Well here I find myself 3 weeks into this and completely head over heels for this guy.
I’ve managed to create this persona with everyone around me being the “cool girl”, the “I’m always fine” girl, and of course the “no worries it’s fine” girl. That’s why he’s stuck around so long. He doesn’t want to hang out “that’s fine no worries”. He bails on the majority of plans, “that’s fine”.
I don’t want to show any emotion because that just turns me into the crazy attached girl nobody likes. And I know all of you commenting will tell me that it’s my fault and that I’m stupid for jumping into this. I get it. I also get that the best thing would be to just drop everything before a. I get hurt or b. him thinking I’m batshit crazy and dropping me anyway.
But, am I crazy to think that when he gets out of this little stage of not wanting anything he would eventually want something with me? Don’t answer that. I know the answer.
Even knowing that he doesn’t want anything serious with me I still choose to do anything I can to keep him happy. I take him coffee, I buy him lunch and take it to him when I can, and I text him on the weekends to make sure he’s not drinking and driving and pick him up when I need to. No he is not taking advantage. I do these things because I want to. It feels good when I see him smile. It feels good when he calls me cute or calls me a doll.
No I don’t have self-esteem issues nor do I think there is anything detrimentally wrong with me. I just want what I can’t have. I evolve into what I think people want from me and I lose myself in it. I’m too perfect and I’m not perfect at all, so I’ve been told.
In the end I will always be the girl good enough to be the just in case but never the girl to be with. Surprisingly I’m ok with that. I know someone will come along and changed that but until them I will continue being the “no worries it’s fine” girl.