As dog owners, we go to extreme lengths to make sure our lovable pooches know how we feel about them. Some of us talk to them like they’re newborn babies (Oh, you are so cute! Who’s a cute boy!? You is!). Some of us dress them up in outfits. And some of us are just plain old suckers for giving in to their sweet faces even after they tear up your favorite pair of suede booties (looking at you, Gus).

I spend an absurd amount of time with my dog – and more time talking to my dog. I talk to him when I’m getting ready for bed. I talk to him when I’m watching my shows. I talk to him all the time. He’ll cock his head to the side sometimes, but really I think that’s just his way of agreeing with whatever I’m saying. He’s my therapist, best friend, and ultimate cuddle buddy (sorry boyfriend).

In anticipation of the animated movie The Secret Life of Pets, I started to think of all the things that my sweet, sloppy, sometimes stinky Labrador might say to me if he could. And what pretty much every single pooch would text us on the daily:

Dog: Pizza again? This is the third time this week

Dog: OMG Brian! He’s my favorite delivery guy! His ankles smell so good!

Dog: Your bedtime routine literally kills me. Hurry up, woman.

Dog: That’s too much moisturizer. A NICKEL-SIZED AMOUNT!

Dog: Do you have a hobby? Social media doesn’t count

Dog: You’re 15 weeks deep on your boyfriend’s Instagram

Dog: Pay attention to me

Dog: Don’t even act like you’re going out

Dog: That’s right. Real Housewives again

Dog: I seriously love Ramona and Sonja

Dog: THERE’S A DOG BARKING AT ME IN THAT SCREEN

Dog: DUDE, I CAN’T HELP YOU. BUT I’LL BARK AT YOU TOO

Dog: Jesus, this is the 10th episode you’ve watched…

Dog: I hate your boyfriend so much

Dog: Why is he naked on top of you!?

Dog: OMG GET OFF OF HER!!!

Dog: Why do you keep saying “Yes” to him!? He’s hurting you!

Dog: Wait….

Dog: OMG you’re an animal, human!

Dog: I will just wait here and watch until you’re all done

Dog: Ok wait, I love your boyfriend. He is obsessed with me

Dog: But I’m obsessed with his socks more

Dog: I have to pee sooooooOOOoo bad, let me out

Dog: Do I have to piss right here next to you for you to notice me?

Dog: I’m peeing

Dog: No, I don’t want that f*ucking toy

Dog: BOOBS

Dog: I heard the wind outside. Don’t worry, I’ll bark it away for you!

Dog: OMG WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER?

Dog: Just kidding. You’re back. Sorry for being needy

Dog: But, like, don’t leave again

Dog: Honestly, every time I see bird, it just… gets to me

Dog: I feel like it’s an issue

Dog: BIRDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

Dog: Pooping in the same spot every day is a LUXURY

Dog: Why are you staring at me while I sh**?

Dog: I guess I stare at you while you sh**

Dog: Your Instagram followers love me more than you… Just sayin’

Dog: Maybe you should get me my OWN Instagram account

Dog: What’s that on your finger….

Dog: IT TASTES DELICIOUS!!!!!

Dog: Did you just say “peanut butter?”

Dog: Then what the f*** have I been eating 2x a day for a year?!

Dog: It’s….all….stuck…to me!

Dog: I love it when you scratch me in that place behind my ear

Dog: Not there.

Dog: THEREEEEE YESSSSSS

Dog: I <3 U soOooOO much, never leave me.