The Pain Of Still Loving Someone In A Small Town

Camila Cordeiro

It’s been 10 months. 10 months since the woman I called my girlfriend left me. She didn’t go far. She lives just 5 miles away. It’s the hard reality I live with.

It makes that catchy country tune about breaking up in a small town seem vague in comparison.

I see her at the gym, drive past her house, and yes the mall and gas stations.

But I was in love with this girl.

Did I make mistake during our relationship? Absolutely. They were fixed, at least I’d thought they were. Had she make mistakes. Even more so. But even though they were serious mistakes, it was nothing I didn’t think could be worked out. So when she left me and had someone else within a few weeks I was stunned.

I thought we’d had a great relationship. I can’t tell you what it is about this girl, but when she left me I was devastated. When I love, I put my whole self into it. It’s not hindered by anything.

When she left, my love did not, nor did my attraction or affection.

She was on my mind, my heart, and my soul. A few days went by, and I thought surely the feelings would pass. After all, we had only dated 8 months. But the feeling did not fade, quiver or pass in the slightest. They grew stronger. I’d go to sleep thinking about the girl I wished I still had. During the night I had dreams, nightmares really, about every hypothetical situation you could think of. When I’d wake up, emotional exhaustion set in.

The whole day I had to constantly keep myself from sending her a text. Feeling the need to remind her of how much I loved her, cared about her. When my self-control became lax and the text sent, I then sat around checking my phone every 10 mins waiting for a reply to my pathetic message. Spend the rest of mine time thinking about what she’s doing, who she’s with, and what I could’ve done better and you have my average day. This wasn’t just one day, this was every day.

It’s been 10 months. And closure is nowhere in sight. I’ve been on several first dates since that awful day in August. Things will be going great, I’m asking questions, talking about myself and enjoying the company…then “boom” I start thinking about my ex.

Something subtle will trigger a memory. I lose focus, lose interest.

Then the guilt sets. How dare I try and move on, or I’m not fighting hard enough to get her back.

It is a daily struggle to find happiness. Most of my friends are married, and I see their happy relationship and become jealous. I want that, with the woman I love.

It is exhausting to never feel like enough.

To be told that she “used to be in love with me”. I’m told “maybe one day,” or “I love the old us”.

When she texts me out of the blue, my heart races, breathing becomes heavy and I choose each word carefully in my reply.

And when she calls, I hold my breath trying not to lose control and shout that I love her. I’m waiting to hear that she wants me, wants to try again… that she’s in love with me.

But text after text, call after call those words never come. It’s been 10 months dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that is being in love with someone who’s not in love with you.
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