When I first fell for you, I thought the world revolved around you. Some days I still think it does, but I am slowly realizing that there are things in this world more important than waiting for you to decide that you want to commit to me. So here is my list of the things which will now come before you, in no particular order.
1. My family
My parents deserve better than a daughter whose mood is based on whether you’ve spoken to me this week or not. My mother definitely deserves better than staying up late with me, again, wiping away my tears because you have not called.
My sister has achieved so much lately. She is finally in a wonderful relationship, after dating her fair share of jerks, who are actually very similar to you. She has just been promoted to a new job, which she is going to rock. And when I am with her I want to be able to celebrate her, be a companion and best friend to her, and not just complain about the latest drama you have created in my life.
My brother — God bless his heart, how he admired you. When he knew we were talking he always asked about you, he always wanted to meet you so badly, and when he was provided the chance to talk to you or text you he was ecstatic. But, as he said in his own middle-school dialect: yes, he really liked you too but we are going to be okay without you.
2. My job
I never felt like you were supportive of me in my various work endeavors. Yes, I did just leave my job, for reasons other than you (I mean, you haven’t been around to influence this decision), but you always told me that being a nanny was not a real job and I needed to do something else. And guess what? I did try something else, and told you I was leaving my hostess job to go back to being a nanny because I was miserable, you simply said “quitting already?” Yes, yes I was. I cried myself to sleep every night because between it and you I was miserable, so yes, for once in my life I “Quit” something. Now if only I can quit you.
3. My friends
Actually. Okay. I have to thank you in this place. The crap I went through while pursuing you showed me who was actually there for me and which friends valued me on my successes and who I was dating. But for those who have stuck around, they now come before you.
4. Last, and most importantly, myself
My health has been far from perfect for many years. My chronic pain disorder, and my battle with anxiety, depression, and a self-distorted body image, have been hard on my psyche and my body for too long. Now that I face another stress-related chronic pain issue, I need to cut out as much stress as possible. And you are nothing but stress. Stress over when you’ll call, if you’ll call. Stress over why you don’t want me. Stress over what girls you are out chasing. Stress over when I will be enough, and if you’ll come back.
My religion, because in my battles with myself and the world, I started growing closer to God. When I was with you, and when you were distant and away, I grew even closer praying so hard for you every day, every hour. And guess what, I have continued to grow closer to God since you’ve left me. I have to move past you, and part of my prayers have been that you are okay, but that I can move past you and find who God actually intends for me to be with.
My future husband, even though I do not know who he is, or where he is, or if he actually even exists — maybe I’m meant to be a dog lady who travels the world and eats delicious foods and reads wonderful books, who knows. But if there is an one and only for me, he deserves better than a girl who is insecure because some guy broke her heart yet again, a guy left when he said he wouldn’t. My future someone deserves a woman who can trust and love with all her heart, and not be afraid of being hurt again.
My self love has been on a long road. Much longer than many other people my age. Granted perhaps a different road, or maybe one that wasn’t as long as yours. But it has been long for me, nonetheless. I had to come so far to love myself. Some days you helped fuel my confidence, but that’s it, because you can’t make me love myself, more than I can make you love me.
But I have learned to love myself before you entered my life, and you pulled me away from that. You have made me question my self worth, when I was not… am not… enough in your eyes, it has made me question myself. What is so wrong with me?
Then today, I realized, nothing is wrong with me. I have worked hard to get myself healthy, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have finally fallen in love with myself after 21 long years. I have found that I can be happy alone and unemployed. I refuse to question that because you cannot see my worth.
So there it is. You are no longer the most important person in my life. Waiting for you, being enough for you, loving you, are no longer the most important things in my life. I refuse to put my life and my self-worth on hold to make you happy, to be with you- oh, wait, no to wait to be with you even though we all know you will never commit to me. I am sorry I have pushed things to the back burner because of you, and I am done with that.
I won’t pretend I am strong and that I have moved on, yet. If you came running back today, I probably, stupidly, would give you another chance to be in my life, but you would have to earn it. But that’s better than when I would’ve thrown everything away for you. But you still have some control of me, I realize that. The proof in that is that I answered your call last night, when I should have been asleep, and then stayed up for hours worried over you and your bar fight wounds. But from this moment on, I will do my best to take a step forward every day away from you and waiting for you. One day those steps will turn into leaps and bounds, and one day I will be so far away from you, you will not cross my mind in the morning or throughout the day as you do now. One day I will be over you. And I think this is the first step.