
If you asked me a year ago, Iād define āfearā as the emotion we feel that warns us away from potential harm or pain.
I thought fear was just what you felt while watching a scary movie. Or when you stepped into an intersection and saw a car coming toward you. Or when you looked down a steep ski slope with a sharp drop-off on one side and think youāre going to die. (No? Maybe thatās just me.)
Fear was always an uncomfortable feeling, but I always thought we got over it fairly quickly, once we removed ourselves from that scary situation.
Imagine my surprise, then, when I recently realized that Iāve been living with fearĀ my entire life.
What Is This āFearā You Speak Of?
This is a different kind of fear. Itās a low-grade, chronic fear that infiltrates every aspect of our being, our actions, and our thoughts. This fearĀ isnātĀ saving us from harm. Itās not preventing pain or warning us away from dangerous situations. In fact, this fear is doing the total opposite. Itās keeping us in a state of fearful living and keeping us from our most vibrant, fulfilled lives.
Put simply, this kind of fear is the opposite of love.Ā To quote Marianne Williamson inĀ A Return to Love:
āWhen fear is expressed, we recognize it as anger, abuse, disease, pain, greed, addiction, selfishness, obsession, corruption, violence, and war.ā
When weāre born, she explains, weāre filled with love ā pure love. Itās the world, our society, that instills these overarching sense of fear within us.
To be honest, this has taken me a long time to understand. So if you find this completely foreign, I get it! Just bear with me. Itās only after spending much of the last year reading and learning from self-development prosāshout out to Gary Vaynerchuk, Gabby Bernstein, Oprah, and all the rest of you awesome writers and podcastersāand lots of yoga that I sort of āgetā this kind of fear.
The Good Newsāand the Bad News
First, the good news: āFear is an illusion,ā Williamson writes. āOur craziness, paranoia, anxiety, and trauma are literally all imagined.ā
The bad news? Although it may not be real, this fear can literally prevent us from seeing possibilities that areĀ right thereĀ in front of us. In our minds, it plants crazy, untrue thoughts about ourselves and our abilities.
Because of this fear, we donāt apply for that job or ask for more money, because we donāt think we deserve it. We donāt write that blog post because weāre worried what people will think. We donāt have a fulfilling relationship because weāre scared weāll get hurt. We donāt let ourselves seek happiness because weāre afraid we donāt deserve it. We donāt take that big leap or make that big decision because weāre afraid weāll get it wrong (again).
Actually, if you think about it, weāve been trained to be scared of pretty much everything. Weāre afraid of dying young, but also getting old. Weāre afraid of being alone, but weāre also scared to let someone love us. Weāre afraid of staying still, but weāre also scared of making a change.
No wonder one in four of us has a mental health issue.
Our Deepest Fear
Iād heard Marianne Williamsonās famous quote so many times in the past. Maybe you have too.
She writes:
āOur deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.ā
Even though I may not feel āpowerful beyond measureā (yet), I am at the point of realizing I have to stop using fear as my default mode. I have to stop using fear as an excuse to play it safe. I have to stop being so afraid that I donāt evenĀ seeĀ the possibilities that are open to me in my life.
And yes, this means what you think it means. Itās not the fault of your friends, your job, your boyfriend, your boss. You canāt even blame your parents (sorry).
We can only blame the fact that weāre continuing to hold onto this fear like a safety blanket. But instead of saving us from harm, itās keeping us in a cycle of self-inflicted paināmaybe not acute pain, but subtle, constant pain at best.
F*ck fear
Iām not going to lie. This new way of thinking about fear still feels foreign to me, and a little bit āout there.ā But I also know that my current life isnāt providing me with what Iām craving and desiring. Basically, Iām at my witsā end with playing it safe.
Which Williamson agrees with.
āYour playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wonāt feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.ā
So hereās to setting fear aside. Hereās to putting myself out there a bit more. Hereās to looking at this world with more love, more open-mindedness, and less anxiety.
Hereās to opening myself to the possibilities out there, and focus on asking myselfĀ What if?Ā instead of telling myself all the reasons why not.
Because f*ck fear.