To my ex:
People do crazy things when they are hurt, vulnerable, or hold onto false hope. I have this awful tendency to forgive and apologize for everything, but deep inside I am trying to hint at the fact that I am not okay– I want forgiveness and apologies too. I give way too many chances, which is why it hits me hard when those chances are thrown away. I miss the person I met– you are not him. You have transformed into the person I said goodbye to with a simple “I hate you”.
I cannot expect you to begin to comprehend how I feel as if I live in some sort of weird déjà vu at times. You never understood why I worried so much, but it’s because of days like today—days where all those things I shouldn’t worry about happen. I am starting to think that maybe I have some sort of ESP because so many fears have come to life.
When your new girl approached me in a position where I couldn’t leave, I listened—the feeling was oddly familiar and comforting—ah yes, this was that same feeling I had in 8th grade. This is the same feeling of when the “popular” girls cornered me and spoke “at” me, but walked away when I tried to explain myself. I felt that nostalgia and recalled how heartbroken my mother was when I told her I didn’t have friends. I could not tell her that as a grown 22- year old woman, I have gone back in time to this feeling—this would only break her heart all over again.
You do not understand and that is not your fault, you have not lived with me nearly as long as I have lived with myself. I perceive situations a lot differently than you do, that is why we didn’t work. You will never be able to discern the mass amounts of texts I sent over the little things. It’s because at times the littlest thing can trigger the most memories, “what-ifs”, and “what wills”. Girls like me never recovered from their dysfunctional upbringing, the bullies of middle school, and the users and abusers they had allowed themselves to settle for.
I am not justifying my behavior, but rather explaining it the best way I know how to as I process this rut I have stumbled into. The way you and I perceive things are incredibly different, while I try too hard to understand everything, you don’t seem to want to understand anything that does not have a logical explanation.
I wrote this as a way to create my own closure. I pushed you away, became an unattractive version of myself, and trust me I am not proud. I own all of my actions, but I can no longer carry this baggage with me. That is why I am forgiving myself: I will be free and hopefully learn to love myself.
One day at a time.