When you want to fall in love, the very first step is to feel lovable, to love yourself first. Expecting to find your “other half” or someone who will love you and make you feel complete is just an illusion if you can’t love yourself first.
You feel unlovable when you are faced with difficulties, when things are not going according to plan, when you seem to be falling down more times than you are getting up. In other words, you don’t love yourself when things don’t go well.
You feel unlovable if you had a tough childhood, with emotionally unavailable parents who didn’t teach you to love and respect yourself. You feel unlovable if you haven’t learned to connect at an emotional level with others truly.
But what exactly means to “feel lovable?” It simply means that you feel you are a good enough person, someone who deserves to be loved, who’s worthy and capable of giving and receiving love. A person who feels lovable has the self-esteem to believe that they are worthy of love and good things in their life. A person who feels lovable is beyond feelings of self-doubt and shame; beyond the frightening question “What if I’m not worthy of love?” A person who feels lovable is a person who respects and accepts themselves. You feel lovable when you are in a relationship, and your significant other is busy and can’t take your call or text you right back. You know this behavior has to do with them, with their schedule, their reality, and not your value and worth as a person. You feel lovable when a relationship ends and despite the hurt, the pain, the anger, or whatever other feeling, deep inside you there’s a kernel of basic, sustaining truth: you are worthy of love, it just didn’t work out this time.
A person who feels lovable believes that they deserve a good relationship, a deep emotional connection, a wonderful person to be with, share their lives and create their own magical world of intimacy and fulfillment. The person who feels lovable also feels that they deserve happiness, that the happy life they want is within reach. And even if things don’t work out this time, there’s always next time, another opportunity.
This type of positive thinking is what sets apart people who love themselves from those who don’t. The person who loves themselves can see the problem or roadblock as a temporary issue that can be resolved. They feel confident that they can navigate the situation even though it may be harder than they thought. They see it as an outside problem, and they draw from their inner resources to manage it. The person who doesn’t feel lovable in the exact same situation starts doubting themselves; they think that somehow they caused the problem, they believe it’s their fault because of who they are inside. Often that’s their subjective feeling and not what’s actually going on. This type of blurred and negative thinking doesn’t allow people who don’t feel lovable to break free from their chains. They continue making negative thoughts and assumptions and have low expectations for what they can achieve at the emotional arena. This whole negative cycle of thoughts and resulting feelings keeps repeating itself and the people who feel unlovable get even more stuck. They go for the unavailable partners, the abusive ones, the indifferent, careless, aloof type.
So, if you want to fall in love, consider investing time in loving and accepting yourself. In taking care of your needs at the emotional, spiritual, and physical level. Love yourself and show it through basic self-care. Love yourself and start talking positive to yourself. Love yourself and be optimistic that the future will be better. Smile. Things do get better.