Nobody Believes I’m Depressed

girl with white paint on the photo
Nicole Mason

nobody believes me when I tell them I’m unhappy

because everyone assumes they know what happiness looks like

that if you’re smiling, it means you are genuinely happy

or that if you show any signs of positivity, it means you’re happy

well i’m living proof that you can fake your way through your depression

everyone wants to be there for you when you are publicly sad,

when you are crying out for help and the whole world hears you scream

they want to take credit, to say they are helping their friend through shit

some sort of hero, because everyone wants to be a hero

but nobody wants to be there when everything in your life

is seemingly going well, when you seemingly appear to be living

luxuriously because if you have money you have happiness right?

you can buy your way through the pain right?

this will pass too, right?

you can take a pill or go to a class or speak to a random person trained to mysteriously solve your problems of people they don’t know, right?

they can’t be a savior to someone who isn’t absolutely a hopeless case

and when your friends start to leave you and people tell lies to ignore you and

your mind tells you it’s worthless and the money disappears and

the days get significantly longer and sleeping has never been more appealing

and being awake alone is exhausting and all you can ever find yourself

doing is crying in the night in the shower in the car in the bathroom plane

because you don’t want anyone to see you you don’t want them to

feel the pain you do,

no one will believe you.

because if you aren’t screaming it, you aren’t consistently depressed in public,

if you even try to be happy for one moment, just to let people know that you are alive,

you aren’t really depressed, right? TC mark

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