An Open Letter To All Of The Men Who Have Miraculously Never Sent Me A Dick Pic

Hello Gentlemen,

What I’m about to say might sound incredible — impossible even — but it’s absolutely true and I owe you all a debt of gratitude for this collective accomplishment.

At this juncture, here in 2017, I am 34 years old and have never received an unsolicited dick pic. From anyone.

I just… I can’t tell you how proud and honored I feel to have reached this milestone. And I couldn’t have done it without each and every one of you.

Dammit, I told myself I wasn’t going to cry…

(Bows head. Holds up shaky index finger. Clears tears out of throat.)

To an outside observer, it would be natural to assume that this landmark accomplishment was achieved because I exclusively surround myself with chaste, perhaps religious types who would never dream of baring their genitals to anyone via electronic media. But we all know that’s not the case. Most of us are disgusting humans and I don’t believe any of us plan to change or even start apologizing for it at any point.

Just moments ago, I took a census of my decade-old Facebook friends list and realized the majority of my friends — male, female, or otherwise — have engaged in at least one of my predictably-candid conversations about sex/masturbation/varied body parts/porn/what have you. If we’re being honest here (and I always am), I’ve had ongoing friendly flirtations with some of you since even before the beginning of this millennium. And at least five of you could scroll back far enough in our text threads to find evidence of how wildly inappropriate I get when I’ve had too much to drink and come crashing into your DMs.

As a professional writer of sexual practices, you’ve repeatedly opened up to me about your preferences and experiences when I’ve needed material for articles. Simply put, my friends of all genders and I have maintained an open door policy of filthy talk that I continue to appreciate and enjoy.

Suffice to say, gentlemen, each of you has had ample opportunity to cross the line, live up to current trends, lean into your stereotypes, and send me any one photo of your dangly bits in apropos of nothing.
And yet… (blinks back tears)… not a single one of you has. This accomplishment is more yours than it is mine, really. (Tight-lipped, misty-eyed smile while nodding earnestly.)

Now, don’t be mislead by these proud proclamations of mine; I have received dick pics. Rest assured, lads! Despite my age (and the fact that I was married before sending picture texts were free) I’ve accrued a modest collection of pixelated penises in my lifetime.

However, each of these were accumulated consensually with prior knowledge of their imminent arrivals, both to my inbox and branded into my brain’s permanent image library. Any woman reading this who isn’t rolling her eyes and/or scoffing that I’m a bold-faced liar will understand the profound nature of this subtle nuance.

And it is for my fellow females as much as for my dude friends that I declare that, while still rare, this reality is not only possible, but it already exists! Men ARE capable of restraining themselves and waiting for consent before stripping down, finding their best angle, taking a picture of their reproductive organs, finding a decent filter for maximum impact, sending it to an unsuspecting female, and then expecting a polite or dignified response!

Despite the “boys will be boys” paradigm we’ve been handed as an excuse for offensively lascivious behavior, men are actually able to behave with decorum and respect in the presence of a peer with tits and a vagina, because of-f*cking-course they can… oh my god we know we’ve been saying that for-f*cking-ever now. Why is it even a f*cking debate anymore? And why are women who expect men to not act like wild animals, have some goddamn self-respect, and quit equating themselves to salivating dogs in a butchery criticized as “anti-male rights” feminazis?” When, really, aren’t those who assert that men can’t control themselves around anyone they want to bone directly responsible for maintaining the stereotype that men are loose cannons who shouldn’t be trusted in public?!?!

(Deeeeeep breath. Clears throat.)

So it is to you, my beloved male friends: I proffer my gratitude. For setting this example, for reaffirming my faith that men are capable of respectful interactions with a female friend that sometimes (often) venture into sexual discourse, and for giving all us man-adoring feminists who believe men can do better a reason to (perhaps more than a little) smugly say, “We told you so,” I give thanks.

You are the heroes our future deserves.