These past few months have been a big swing and a miss. I’ve had some ups, but mostly a lot of way, way downs.
I graduated college and everything changed. “The real world,” as they call it, kind of blows. Relationships change, bodies change, attitudes change, but above all else – I’ve changed.
And I don’t like who I’ve become. I’ve become someone who complains – complains a lot. I have always been a glass-half-full type of person and now I’m what? A pessimist? A doubter? That isn’t me.
I used to be bubbly and outgoing. People used to gravitate towards me and now they merely glance in my direction as I quietly trod past them.
I used to be confident in myself and now I doubt every single move I make. I’ve pushed the closest people to me away because I’m too insecure to believe that they would actually care about me and now I’m afraid it’s too late to reconcile with them.
But, despite all that, I’m still standing. Let me tell you why.
Despite all the tears and pain, I’m still here. I almost wasn’t, though. There were two very distinct times during these past few months that I very seriously considered ending it all.
I didn’t think it was worth it anymore. I didn’t think I was worth it anymore. I figured I had messed everything up beyond repair, so what was the point? No one would really miss me if I were gone anyway, right? No one would care if this empty shell of a person was no longer moping around and bringing everyone down.
In fact, they would probably be much happier if I was gone! They wouldn’t have to listen to me complain and doubt them and myself anymore. It was the best thing for everyone.
Wrong. So very wrong. People would miss me. They would be sad. They would be pissed if I killed myself and I wouldn’t blame them.
I saw a quote once that read, “Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just transfers it to someone else.” That resonates in my brain about a million times a day, and it is the reason I’m still alive.
Why am I telling you this? Why am I not keeping this all inside and hiding it from everyone? It’s simple. That’s unfair of me. I am not the only one dealing with these issues, and while I am not claiming to have all the answers, knowing that there are others out there with the same struggles is helpful.
Not just helpful for you, but for me too. It’s not healthy to keep everything inside, and it only allows everything to fester and get worse as time goes on.
If you are going through something similar, or just something hard in general, do not keep it all inside. Let it out.
Now, what am I going to do now? Well, these types of problems do not solve themselves overnight. It’s going to take time to get myself back to the person I used to be and the person I love.
It’s going to take intentional time and effort to better myself, but I’m ready. I’m ready to be myself again and I’m ready to take on this next phase of my life.
If you’re going through something similar, know that you can get back to who you are too and that I believe in you.