Sometimes things are not meant to be. I know, every time I hear “it’s not meant to be” my eyes roll to the back of my head, and I think, bullshit. I don’t believe there is some elusive pre-written golden page of life that determines what is meant to be in our lives. We have us. Wholly unique individuals finding our own paths. When something is “not meant to be” there is a divergence is our expectations and those of another. We don’t control others. Not their thoughts, behaviors or emotions, even if they are telling us the opposite. Emotionally and mentally, letting go of control is harder than we think.
Holding onto control makes our heart weary. We may not be unhappy but we’re also not content. We are ambitious for ourselves but also held down by our deepest fears. We are old souls in search of a place that feels like home, mentally, physically and spiritually. Holding onto control does not belong there.
Our hearts may have carried too much, lost too many, and slowly these holes take shape. We dream of awakening our collective memories, recognizing our old soul and easily finding our path. Feeling directionless, confused, and afraid because our souls are not on the path we believed they would be is hard to reconcile in our physical world.
This ol’ heart is still strong after facing darkness, playing small when we’re supposed to play big, bothered by injustices flung upon us, toxic interactions and wounds that keep us from disrupting the status quo.
This ol’ heart is full of holes not because we haven’t been brave or vulnerable, adventurous or honorable, but because we have been. We may have experienced pain that feels like it our hearts and minds reshaped themselves around our trauma.
This ol’ heart may not learn the first time, it may struggle with those in disguise because it craves truth. It may not learn the second time because it is excusing disrespect and lost accountability. It desires compassion and growth. To be cherished as it has cherished. In the end, this ol’ heart claims a lesson that few do. We may be too gentle to live among the wolves, but we will not abandon our mission.
This ol’ heart may sometimes dream of stepping away from our lives, reinventing ourselves, or running towards something we shouldn’t. If we’re always chasing someone who doesn’t want to be caught, including ourselves, we are allowing this ol’ heart to be riddled with holes.
Because we’ve lost love. Because it’s been accepted that love comes with conditions. If you give me this, I’ll give you love. If you do this, my heart will know yours. But real love, the love we deeply recognize in our ol’ hearts before our minds do, comes without condition. Because this ol’ heart knows it deserves respect, gentleness and to be part of a purpose larger than life. Several lifetimes collide here to leave behind the distraction of self-medicating, seeking validation and adhering to societal norms.
Change the story. Break the pattern. Take that ol’ heart full of holes and wear it like a badge of honor. Don’t try to repair the holes. It takes time and patience to learn to let go. Strong hearts come with holes because our souls are dying to tell us something.