Here’s To My First Heartbreak

Andrew Neel
Andrew Neel

Here it is, my first ever heartbreak. I never thought it would come any sooner, but things happened unexpectedly. Just like how you came into my life: unexpected. And so I want to dedicate this to the one who had the privilege of breaking my heart. This is my final piece for you. I hope every word is worth the read.

Gosh, what a whirlwind it has been. From the beginning to the end, you were a surprise. It’s like a stranger who suddenly became one of the most valuable people in my life all in a blink of an eye. Truly, what we had was like a rollercoaster ride, it was full of ups and downs. And heck, the ride wasn’t even certain with its safety. It’s like it forgot its warning sign, and instead, I fell into the dangers of it. And I’m the only one who got hurt. What hurts more is that I wasn’t the only on the ride with you, there was a plus one hiding in the corner. And it sucks. It really sucks.

Thinking that you’re special and that you believe that this will progress into something more than an ‘almost’, yet instead it all spirals downwards. It’s not what I expected at all. I get replaced. I get used. I get insulted and I get no closure at all. Am I worthless for you to not even give me an ounce of respect? I guess not.

I don’t deserve this at all. Some time has passed but until now that still rings true to my heart. I’m not fond of wishful thinking but I wish you knew how much it hurt me. How you left me out there to hurt out in the open. And the other day you pass by and casually say, “Hi,” like you did nothing wrong at all. Are you freaking serious? After calling me selfish, after looking at me with no love and care at all, this is how you talk to me. Maybe I don’t deserve you at all, but I deserve so much more than an empty, “Hi”.

Now you are a stranger to me, and it pains me to think that I can’t do anything about it. But what can I expect from an immature boy who thinks I’m replaceable? Nothing. All I can do is pray that in time, your ego will lower down. I’ll pray that you don’t have to use that as a façade to protect yourself. You can be you, just let the right people in and you’ll never be judged for the person you’re not. In time, I hope you eventually realize that. Maybe then, I’ll see you in a different light.

So, I hope you enjoyed the company I gave you. I hope you noticed every little thing I did for you. I tried my best to respect your privacy yet I tried to help you the simplest ways. You may not have seen that but trust me, I tried. Not only that, I tried to suppress my feelings. You wanted to focus on your ‘priorities’ and as much as I wanted to take the next step, I respected your decision. You may have shown me you liked me through your actions, and sometimes with your words but nevertheless proved to me that I was not your top priority. I tried not to get affected by it because I was never your girlfriend in the first place. Yet, of course, I did. But I kept it to myself; I didn’t show it to you because I had no right to feel this anyway.

Some people call me stupid for falling for you, but I don’t regret it
. I don’t regret anything at all. You taught me the greatest lesson I learned in love so far: love truly goes both ways. I was blinded by the fact that you could change, that I could help you be so much more than the boy hiding behind a mask. Because of that, I forgot that I can’t force someone if they don’t want to. And I realize that if they don’t give the effort and appreciation, then it’s not worth it.

So I’m grateful that there was never really an “us”.
I don’t know how I would’ve survived if we actually pursued a relationship. But at least I know better now.
Now, I say farewell to you. The pain, the trials and the oblivion was all for you. I only wish you the best in life. You have high hopes and aspirations, so I hope achieve those dreams. To the girl you chose over me, I hope she makes you happy. I have no idea what she had that I didn’t, but I guess that doesn’t matter anymore. For now, I’ll continue to mend my heart and move forward. And who knows? Maybe one day we’ll be friends again. Only time will tell. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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