When You Realize You Deserve More Than Someone Who Is ‘Not Ready’

Yaoqi Lai
Yaoqi Lai

This is me trying to win back the love I once decided to give myself. This is me trying to get rid of my feelings for you, not to forget you though.

I tried to inhale and absorb every moment I am with you. It was one helluva ride. The first five dates was really my favorite because for a moment, you made me see a bit of your soul, enough to make me decide to feel again. But the rest was, I-understand- you-but-I-feel-like-a-crap moments. You were my exception but I was the rule. Many times I tried to get out of this mess but I keep running back to you and everytime I do, I feel so stupid and worthless. Why do I keep on running back even if I always feel like I’m talking to a programmed robot? Because I’m always in the hope of finding the you that I’ve met during our first 5 dates.

Never cold and always curious. But, each day, you are building these walls around you, like I could ruin everything that you have gained for yourself. I am not begging for a relationship nor trying to rush things. It’s because you treat my like a 10 and suddenly went down to 0. The getting to know and the excitement to be with each other eventually become one-sided. I’ve become frustrated and paranoid and you acted like nothing happened. I never stayed because I’m happy being with you, but the comfort was there and that was important to me. I gave myself the time to reflect and decide what’s the best thing to do. Finally, the courage came to me. For now, I’ll stop talking to you or check on you. Until the day that I’m ready to be a friend and purely just a friend to you.

I am happy without you, I can be happier without you. You know that I am actually better at being alone. But, thank you for the comfort, big hugs and laughs. I’m a little sad that I’ll be missing those things, that I’ll be missing you. This, too, shall pass, though.

This is me trying to give myself the love I never received. Because, sometimes self-worth is more important than to settle and wait for what’s uncertain. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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