6 Life Lessons You Learn From Mario Kart That You Should Commit To Memory
By Liz Arcury
1. Your Place in It Can Change Rapidly
Never assume that your current position is permanent. Remember, even if you’re in first place and feeling hot – maybe even popping wheelies on your Sugarscoot and getting farther and farther ahead of the ne’er-do-wells – a flying blue shell can come out nowhere, directly headed for you and only you, and by the time you come back to your senses post-explosion you are in seventh place in the third lap with the finish line straight ahead.
This is also good news, however, in that no matter how far behind your traumatizing first three falls off of Rainbow Road into deep space may put you, a deus-ex-machina move from your old friend The Bullet can plunge you up to the front in an instant.
A doorman could win the lottery and an oil tycoon who lives in a Park Avenue penthouse could go to jail. Nobody is safe, and the unexpected threats (and treats) of the road of life are the great equalizer of us all. That ominous glowing question mark box is life. It’s similar to, oh, I don’t know…a box of chocolates? You get the idea.
2. Do Not Hit Your Own Banana Peel
Never lose sight of yourself, where you’re headed, or the people who are important to you. When you’re given the rare gift of opportunity and success, watch out. Only you can ruin it for yourself. When you throw that banana peel out behind you, leaving it to the stars to use wisely in order to shape your victory, always remember where you started and who you were before you received the banana. Do not, on the next lap around, get so balloon-headed and excited about your supposed impending trophy that you forget who are and subsequently hit your own banana peel. Look, your own pride destroyed you.
Too bad Okonkwo isn’t a character you can unlock now, huh?
Banana: The epitome of man versus himself.
3. It Ain’t Personal
It is every man/woman/anthropomorphic creature for itself out there on the Daisy Circuit of life, and we have all got to survive. Don’t fly into a rage because someone thrust their raincloud upon you and spun you out. You would have done the same thing. It’s the price of living, and everybody is in it for themselves.
We are survival-driven creatures. When somebody is pining to be promoted over you at the office, it’s not about you. Rarely are these actions personal affronts but rather they are simply actions of the individual trying to make it across the finish line first. Don’t worry about what you can’t control, and just keep racing.
4. It’s Not About Speed, It’s About Everything Else
When picking out your machinery your eyes immediately dart to the speed stats of your potential vehicle. A Mach Bike or Bullet is awfully tempting, because even though it may have terrible drift and handling, making smooth turns nearly impossible, you want to be able to say that you can go faster than anybody else.
The truth is, it is all of the other stats that you should be looking at. You need to decide what best fits your particular set of skills. Are you especially prone to taking shortcuts that lead you off of the paved track? Pick a machine that has great off-roading. Are you in super-genius math school but really love to draw? Embarrassed to show your physics-obsessed classmates because you never see them drawing and they just wouldn’t understand? Combine your areas expertise and become an architect. Now you’re the cool one.
What you add to the equation is ultimately what is important. You already have everything you need, and a bike or cart is only meant to enhance what is special about you.
5. It’s Lonely At the Top
As you speed ahead from second to first place, you feel amazing. And that buzz will last a little while longer. But as you fly farther and farther ahead, with nobody next to you and with everybody planning your demise, dread can set in. There is a special, rag-tag, community theatre opening night feeling to being part of the pack that’s lagging behind, ranging from 7th to 12th place. Even though sad music plays when you cross the finish line in one of these positions, do not listen to it, as that is just society and its expectations trying to ruin it for you. What you will ultimately remember is the fun that you had messing around during those last few turns of Grumble Volcano with King Boo and Baby Daisy. These will be the stories you tell your grandchildren.
6. If Somebody Asks You to Race Go-Karts with Anthropomorphic Creatures on a Hologram Rainbow That Has No Walls and is in Space, You Probably Shouldn’t Do It
What are you, insane? Rainbow Road means certain death. We all know this.