Friendship Application

1. Name:

2: Age:

3. Where did you go to high school?

4. Did you answer #3?

  • If yes, skip to #17
  • If no, continue to #5

5. Please list all mental health diagnoses you actually have as well as all mental health issues that anyone has ever told you that they think you might have, regardless of whether the person who told you that was a mental health professional or not. Use a separate page if you need more space. You may attach as many separate pages as necessary.

6.  Is there anyone who no longer speaks to you? If so, please list their names, phone numbers, and email addresses, along with a brief description of a) why you think they no longer speak with you and b) what they told you verbatim about why they were no longer speaking to you. Use a separate page if you need more space. You may attach as many separate pages as necessary.

7.  If a homeless person asks you for money, what do you do?

8. You are stuck on a desert island and you are allowed to bring 5 books with you. Are any of those books written by Ayn Rand?

  • If yes, skip to #17
  • If no, continue to #9

9. Child porn: is it ever OK?

  • If yes, skip to #17
  • If no, continue to #10

10. How many friends do you have? Of those friends, how many have you known for:

a) More than six months?

b) More than one year?

c) More than five years?

11. Have you ever uttered any of the following phrases:

“That’s retarded.”

“My life will never be complete without a man.”

“The silent treatment is my way of communicating.”

“I’m not racist or anything, but…”

“The Cracker Barrel is my favorite restaurant.”

“I refuse to date [insert race] people.”

“I only date [insert race] people.”

“I voted for Bush.”

“USA Today has really good articles.”

“Can I borrow your toothbrush?”

“Illegals”

“My parents are paying for my _____________.”

“The Bible says…”

“I don’t believe in seat belts.”

“Talking about poop is disgusting.”

  • If yes, skip to #17
  • If no, continue to #12

12. What do you think happens when we die?

13. On a scale of 1-10, how messed up is your family?

14. If the answer to #13 is 5 or higher, have you ever been to therapy?

  • If yes, how long were you in therapy? Are you still in therapy? Do you follow all of your therapist’s recommendations? If no, why not?
  • If no, skip to #17

15. When you are at a restaurant, how much do you tip?

16. Do you think the Fresh Prince is the best show ever?

  • If yes, skip to #18
  • If no, continue to #17

17. Unfortunately, all positions have been filled with candidates whose qualifications more closely match the friend profile I am seeking. I wish you the best of luck in your friend search and I will keep your application on file for any future openings.

18. Congratulations! We are now friends. Can I borrow some money? TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • Kolby

    What if the answer to #13 is 4 or lower?

  • Veronica

    We won’t be friends.

  • guest

    We won’t be friends, and I’m also a liberal lawyer.Talking about poop is disgusting, and asking someone a question you don’t want the answer to is worse than the silent treatment.

    • watts

      right? i don’t get number 3. what, does she…not like people who went to high school? not like people who…i dont know, i can’t imagine why she would ask that question then immediately dismiss anyone who answered it. i guess its not too surprising that she had to make a friendship application in the first place…

      • guest

        I think it’s like “cool people don’t talk about where they went to high school, cause cool people don’t care where you went to high school” thing. But if you ask me a question, I do the polite thing and answer the damn question.

      • Jk

        Yeeah and if cool people don’t talk about it, why ask? That automatically renders the ‘asker’ uncool.

  • Olive

    Yay we’re friends!

    • Dasha

      You didn’t go to any high school?? At all??

  • Eli

    Why does everyone hate Ayn Rand?

    • John Galt

      Because people don’t understand that the things she’s written foreshadow the impending fate of America.

      • Matt Good

        i see what you did there

    • brian time

      Yeah I think it’s getting a little ridiculous. Although I personally disagree with Rand’s concepts when applied to politics, I think her ideas about creativity are wonderful and have certainly contributed to my process.
      Maybe I’m ignorant though? I’ve only read The Fountainhead and apparently Atlas Shrugged is her grand statement.

    • http://www.facebook.com/oliveramiller Oliver Miller

      Because she was dumb, a hypocrite, and maybe the worst writer of the 20th century?

      • DK

        Whoa. Says Oliver Miller.

  • dav1

    such a shitty post.

  • jbux

    “My parents are paying for my _____________.”

    Unless you paid for every cent of your college education, your broker’s fee/security deposit of your first apartment, your car, every gallon of gas, and every fucking Crayola crayon that you ever ate since birth, then get over yourself and acknowledge that most of us have parents that pay for shit.

    In other words, we won’t be friends. And not because I failed your survey, but because you failed mine.

    • guest

      I almost wrote this “In other words, we won’t be friends. And not because I failed your survey, but because you failed mine” verbatim, except I felt a little mean. And I was going to cite the parent thing as well. Ugh.

      • goldglass

        You guys should be friends!

    • Christine

      Its the verb tense. “My parents PAID for my crayons” versus “my parents PAY for my apartment.” I think she’s looking for someone above a certain age/maturity level.

      • Veronica

        except that it’s “have you EVER uttered any of the following phrases” (emphasis mine). If it were “have you RECENTLY uttered any of the following phrases,” then I’d agree with you.

  • Sam

    I know this is a humor post but it doesn’t work, purely because some questions are yes/no answers and others are open ended. Just because I made it to #18 via the yes/no ones doesn’t mean I passed the others. #7 for example. Maybe I said I kick them in the head. Maybe I said I give them money and you wanted me to say I kick them in the head.

  • http://twitter.com/NikaFromPeopleG Nika (@NikaFromPeopleG)

    question 5 is so offensive.

  • http://twitter.com/ritikaaaaar Ritika Rakshit (@ritikaaaaar)

    I know this is supposed to be funny….but honestly, having friends that I don’t understand at all have made my life so much more interesting. If everyone believed and did what I did…..I don’t know if I would want to be friends with myself.

  • Jim

    basically you’re a judgmental bitch who will never have friends.

  • http://gravatar.com/mr3000 andy

    But the chicken n dumplins at cracker barrel are so good!

    • Hannah

      I thought the exact same thing, yuuum.

  • Lady

    Thank God I didn’t make the cut.

    1-4) I find it interesting that you find a person’s name and age actually relevant, but where they went to high school not relevant. A person’s high school can actually give you a lot of background information. Public? Private? Religious? Magnet? Doesn’t say who they are as a person, but I know going to an arts magnet shaped me tremendously…as does everyone’s individual high school experience.

    5) Well, other questions indicate you’re very proud of not being racist or classist and you’re down with mentally disabled people. It’s just people with certain mental illnesses that you discriminate against? Because, hey, we’re all equal, right? But fuck diagnosed manic depressives because that shits annoying and they should, like, get over it, huh?

    6) I know why you asked it, but you will never get the information you need from that question. Relationships are private and only the people in them know what happened. In other words, none of your damn business.

    7) What’s the right answer here?

    8) I got so angry when I read Atlas Shrugged that I literally threw it across the room. I can’t stand Ayn Rand’s philosophy–but you can’t tell me her books aren’t amazingly written, interesting stories. Having a book you can argue with on a desert island seems like an excellent way to pass the time, actually.

    9-10) I have no real qualms with.

    11) Holy shit. Where to begin?

    *Yep, I’ve said “That’s retarded.” I haven’t in some time, but I’ve said it. Insensitive, sure. I’m not proud of it. Have you ever said, “That’s mental!” or “That’s crazy!” “That’s insane!”, Miss I-Can’t-Be-Your-Friend-If-I-Don’t-Approve-of-Your-Mental-Diagnosis? Because quite frankly, I find them comparable. Until it fell out of vogue, everyone said it, just like “That’s crazy” and it perpetuates a negative connotation for a condition that can’t be helped. Is this a kitten vs. turkey kind of thing? One’s okay to eat for dinner, the other’s too cute to eat? Do you find mentally handicapped people adorable and childlike, so you’re on their side, but people with schizophrenia (or whatever) aren’t inherently adorable, so fuck them?

    *I’ve never uttered the phrase, “My life will never be complete without a man.” And in fact, I’ve been happily single for three years. But you know what–when I stop to think about it…sorry. I actually don’t think my life would be complete without a man. Because I need love and I need sex and I like having a buddy, and being a heterosexual, a man would be where I would get all of that for one stop shopping. This wanting love thing isn’t new. It’s pretty much universal. I believe your sentence should read, “My life will never be complete without a man. Any man, really. Any man will do.” Because that’s the difference between being a normal human being and a desperate one (and p.s.–even desperate human beings are sometimes very good friends).

    And we get it. You’re not racist. You also think a person’s full mind can be reduced to a single statement that doesn’t sit well with you.

    Sharing toothbrushes doesn’t say anything about a person other than they aren’t afraid of germs. Christ, what a bunch of assholes those toothbrush sharers are.

    My parents never paid for school or debt or phones or bills. But if someone else’s parents did, 1) That’s none of my damn business, 2) There’s nothing wrong with family helping family. Does it work both ways? When your parents are old and need a nurse or a nursing home, are you going to say, “Fend for yourselves! Only losers ask their family to help with expenses!”?

    I’m an atheist, and I don’t know how you can have any sort of discussion about religion without ever uttering the phrase, “The Bible says…” And I’ve EVEN said that when I’m not debating, but extracting words of wisdom. You know it’s not JUST homophobic crap in there, right? There’s some stuff that’s of actual use in there, even if you don’t base your life on that book.

    Talking about poop is disgusting.

    12) I can’t imagine any answer to this being a deal breaker.

    13-14) Everyone’s family is messed up, and not everyone with a messed up family needs therapy. And plenty of people with what would be deemed fine families do need therapy

    15)…Okay, it’s a fair question.

    16) Fresh Prince is amazing. But best show ever? Well…it’s YOUR friend application, I guess.

    Everything about this application seems to ask, “What’s wrong with you?” None of it asks “What’s right with you?” This is no way to screen friends.

    Now, do I get a prize for longest response in history?

    • anon

      We should be friends.

    • Emily

      that was a more interesting read than the actual article. totally spot on.

  • minicardi

    dumb.

  • Anouk

    I really don’t care if it’s “juvenile” to firstly admit I’ve been effected by this “catalogued thought” and that when I asked myself why – though the tangible “why” is surely obvious – I bemused the point of the entire sentiment. Which is to ask: what is available to receive/discover/learn from reading this and what, if any, potential exists for readers at large? What is the writer attempting to say, and/or express?

    What’s ironic to me, and I’m not sure if anyone has pointed this out in comments, is how judgemental the author is when it comes to people who have issues – and who knows, maybe that’s the point – demonstrated by the fact they’ve taken such a huge inventory of conflicted people. I also find it interesting that the results of this inventory have been categorized and pocketed into very absolute yet more so arbitrary categories. (I’m 30 y/o and find Q. 3 irrelevant – who cares where I went to high school.) But in this question, the understanding revealed that the autho/owner of this thought is firstly exactly the type of person the application weeds out, and secondly that, person is intolerant of their own conditional suffering which says necessarily that they are absolutely intolerant of others’.

    Initially my feelings were hurt by the article and I couldn’t imagine why it was ever published and what purpose it had. But as the prejudiced intolletence the author has revealed (with or without their request for cash), and upon deeper consideration I feel very sad for the author as well as myself. Sad for me because the ultimate rejectednedd and thereby the process of becoming rejected is uncomfortable. Sad for them because they’re missing out on life and assuming, ironically, anyone would apply in the first place. In my mind, t the lameness of Q. 3, I ripped the app in half. Crazy people hurt our feelings but you can identify them (obviously) straight off the cuff.

  • Rachael

    Hey!
    Cracker Barrel is delicious. I don’t care how hick that is.

  • Sydney

    The Bible says not to judge others.

    Guess we can’t be friends?

  • Guy

    #problematic

  • rishtopher

    Am I the only one who genuinely thought this was funny? Everyone seems to be really upset…

  • Anouk

    Read this because I thought it was going to be a guideline for people whose “pickers” are broken and need to up their standards a little (or maybe a lot) when first meeting people and coming to understand them (thus form relationshis). Based on this assumption and the curiosity sparked by what that meant to me, I clicked the box.

    Wht I found was peculiar, beginning with Q. 3. “Which high school did I attend? Your kidding. I’m 30; entirely irrelevant.” I hadn’t intended to answer a single question, and although I did not judge the author (or myself) I did pay attention to the meaninglessness of some questions; the third question was my tip off.

    Instead of finding a standard issue guideline or sample of questions to ask and reveal the other’s values, I found this over generalizing and extremely judgemental, (probable) self projection which, upon first read, really effected me in the sense I was being hypothetically rejected. And though I actually pity the author (if this is something they inherently and actively believe) I can’t help but to ask what their point is supposed to be. There is no summary this it’s impossible to know in exactly what way a reader should or could use this information. Many others have obviously been effected also and I’m sorry for all of us that we’re sensitive to reflection, etc., but as there is nothing to directly gain from stirring those feelings, what necessity does this article serve? I don’t need to be reminded I’ve felt pain unspeakable as a result of ultimate rejection; that associations I’ve had throughout my life have ended for reasons I neither know, understand or in some cases accept.

    It’s really more of a catharsis: they have described their self, can deal with only one of their variety and have a sardonic distaste for who they are – if they know what/who that is.

    Prrecidely the toxic person I aim to stay away from; in that way I suppose the application was effective.

  • Everyman

    Atlas Shrugged Part 2 will be in theaters Oct 12, 2012.

  • anon

    2 of my favorite books are by Ayn Rand. Regardless of the philosophy, the novels are incredibly well-written. If you haven’t read the books and dismissed them as right-wing nonsense, you can’t possibly make a statement on her writing. Maybe you have read them, I don’t know… what I do know is that most people who hate Ayn Rand are people who have never touched one of her novels, or read more than 50 pages before running to their Tumblrs to whine about capitalism.

    Why does stating which high school I went to have anything to do with anything? You asked the question, am I not supposed to answer it? I didn’t even go to a good high school, it was sort of a public school shithole. Are you expecting people to answer with Phillips Exeter? Pretty snobby for someone who is trying very hard to not be a snob.

    Also, #5 is absurd. The entire blog post makes me feel as if you want to be around another person who shares your childish tastes. Your ideal applicant can’t have any pre-existing behavioral or emotional conditions, either – because it would inconvenience you, and probably cut short the amount of time you will have to talk about yourself. You sound very much like the “friends” that I’ve had in high school and in college that I have been able to sever ties with. But I guess that’s the point of the application – only people like yourself would be able to run the gauntlet of holier-than-thou questions successfully.

    And if this was supposed to be funny, I (and 90% of the people who commented) can firmly tell you that it was not.

  • Ron

    I liked it.

  • The Smile Scavenger

    Agree – “I’m not racist or anything, but…”

    Do not finish that sentence, ever.

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