Friendship Application
By Liz Abdnour
1. Name:
2: Age:
3. Where did you go to high school?
4. Did you answer #3?
- If yes, skip to #17
- If no, continue to #5
5. Please list all mental health diagnoses you actually have as well as all mental health issues that anyone has ever told you that they think you might have, regardless of whether the person who told you that was a mental health professional or not. Use a separate page if you need more space. You may attach as many separate pages as necessary.
6. Is there anyone who no longer speaks to you? If so, please list their names, phone numbers, and email addresses, along with a brief description of a) why you think they no longer speak with you and b) what they told you verbatim about why they were no longer speaking to you. Use a separate page if you need more space. You may attach as many separate pages as necessary.
7. If a homeless person asks you for money, what do you do?
8. You are stuck on a desert island and you are allowed to bring 5 books with you. Are any of those books written by Ayn Rand?
- If yes, skip to #17
- If no, continue to #9
9. Child porn: is it ever OK?
- If yes, skip to #17
- If no, continue to #10
10. How many friends do you have? Of those friends, how many have you known for:
a) More than six months?
b) More than one year?
c) More than five years?
11. Have you ever uttered any of the following phrases:
“That’s retarded.”
“My life will never be complete without a man.”
“The silent treatment is my way of communicating.”
“I’m not racist or anything, but…”
“The Cracker Barrel is my favorite restaurant.”
“I refuse to date [insert race] people.”
“I only date [insert race] people.”
“I voted for Bush.”
“USA Today has really good articles.”
“Can I borrow your toothbrush?”
“Illegals”
“My parents are paying for my _____________.”
“The Bible says…”
“I don’t believe in seat belts.”
“Talking about poop is disgusting.”
- If yes, skip to #17
- If no, continue to #12
12. What do you think happens when we die?
13. On a scale of 1-10, how messed up is your family?
14. If the answer to #13 is 5 or higher, have you ever been to therapy?
- If yes, how long were you in therapy? Are you still in therapy? Do you follow all of your therapist’s recommendations? If no, why not?
- If no, skip to #17
15. When you are at a restaurant, how much do you tip?
16. Do you think the Fresh Prince is the best show ever?
- If yes, skip to #18
- If no, continue to #17
17. Unfortunately, all positions have been filled with candidates whose qualifications more closely match the friend profile I am seeking. I wish you the best of luck in your friend search and I will keep your application on file for any future openings.
18. Congratulations! We are now friends. Can I borrow some money?