An Open Letter To His Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Shutterstock/sdecoret
Shutterstock/sdecoret

Hello,

I think it’s best to start with a formal greeting instead of just going straight into it. Don’t you?

I know we haven’t met but it’s obvious at this point we’ve thoroughly stalked each other on all social media. Which is cool, I guess. It’s like getting to know you without having to go through all of that awkward ‘I hate you, you’re crazy’ nonsense.

To be fair, you’re probably not that crazy. Don’t get me wrong, you are crazy. Just not as crazy as you could be. After all, my boyfriend and I are both still alive so it could be worse.

But it’s not your fault! Everyone gets like that after a bad breakup. Breaking up means coming to terms with the fact that someone you love and confided in is no longer going to be a part of your life. Not to mention getting dumped is basically the worst feeling ever.

Narrowly beat by feeling of getting dumped via email written in lime green Comic Sans.

I also know it can be really hard to move on after a breakup and love can make you do crazy things. Like going camping when you really hate bugs, or sitting around for hours analyzing the picture your ex was just tagged in on Facebook. We’ve all been there.

What does it mean when his arm is around her shoulder? I put my arm around lots of people’s shoulders and it doesn’t mean a thing. Besides, it could be his sister. Except he doesn’t have a sister. But maybe it’s his long lost sister who he was reunited with at a club last night? Right?!

I just want to get it off my chest that I’m not upset with you. You actually seem cool and I think we’re weirdly similar. It’s not like you’re my sister from another mister but we have a lot of the same interests. It’s pretty clear he has a ‘type’. I’m not saying we’d ever be friends but I definitely don’t hate you. I sometimes just wish that you would go away. Not like you have to physically pick up and move or evaporate into thin air or anything, because that’s a bit extreme. I’d simply prefer that you stopped popping into my head and I would stop comparing myself to you. That’d be awesome.

I’m going to be honest; when I started writing this I was angry. I thought that if I could verbalize how I feel about you I’d feel better. I don’t feel any better. I feel sorry that it took you a long time to move on. I feel sorry that I was you after my last relationship ended. I feel sorry that there will continue to be crazy ex-girlfriends created after countless failed relationships.

I hope you find someone who can silence all the crazy. Because I’ve found the right guy who has done that for me. TC mark

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