1. Just Said he Didn’t Want to…
I was making out with a girl I met that night and she was going for my zip. I put her away and I tell her that I just don’t like having sex with strangers and offered to cuddle instead. She took it as an insult.
2. Peed Standing Up
I threw a house party when I was 23. Drinks were flowing and so were hormones. In my bedroom, I had an en-suite bathroom which if you were on my bed, you had a pretty good view of the toilet.
I went up to my room to grab some CDs (yes, CDs) and I was followed by a heavily inebriated male who I didn’t know. He immediately closed my door and tried to make out with me and when I politely declined, he then asked me for “Just a quickie.” (Romance isn’t dead people.) I realized very quickly that he wasn’t going to be easy to get rid of.
I told him to sit on my bed and asked if I could just quickly use my toilet and proceed to grab a she pee from my cabinet (I had bought a couple because I was going to Reading festival that year.) and began peeing standing up with it.
His face dropped and he quickly made his excuses and left the room and my house.
Never saw him again.
3. Told Him He Was “Too Big”
Invited a guy over who had the dirtiest fucking cock I have ever smelt. He was kinda large (his picture was outdated) and he fucking cycled to mine and I swear he must have rolled in pig shit before turning up because you could smell him from outside my bedroom. But so I bit the bullet and went down on him and Jesus. Fucking. Holy. Shit the smell. Where I live uncut dicks are normal but this guy made me want to relocate to the US. So I’m still pressing on (as Churchill once said “if you’re going through hell – keep going”) and attempting head and then realised I couldn’t go on without vomiting so I pretended to gag (actually that’s a lie I really did gag) because it was “so big omg” and then told him he was too big for me and to leave. I was bigger than he was so I’m glad he bought it and I hope I boosted his ego because poor guy probably got this a lot. I will never forget that smell. It will follow me to my grave
4. Claimed To Be Transitioning then “proved” it
The strangest? I told a guy I was mid-transition, and that my birth-name was the male equivalent of my female name.
Told him I still had a penis. He didn’t believe me, so I said I had to go brush my teeth to “freshen up”, and I put my brother’s brand new jockstrap (literally still in the packaging) on, filled it with socks and stuff, and walked up to the guy. When he tried to grind on me, his face paled, and he screamed.
Don’t think anybody with more than 5 brain cells would fall for that, but…
5. The Classic “Emergency” Text
Pretended I got an emergency text from a relative with a serious injury.
6. Faked A Panic Attack
Kicked someone out of my car that I was about to have sex with because of a foul odor coming from her vaginal region. Basically pretended to have a panic attack so I didn’t have to tell her and then drove her home (1-3 miles) and kicked her out. We weren’t friends after that. big fuck up now that I look back on it.
7. Have To Head Into Work At 4 AM
There was a knock on my apartment door at midnight or so… Got up, and I looked through the peephole and it was a girl. Took me a moment to realize it was my neighbor (same landing).
Open it up and she is drunk, stuck like cigarettes (had just stopped dating another smoker), and said she was locked out. So I let her in, she called her friend (cell) and we hung out waiting for her friend to come back with the keys that were supposedly in the car.
This was a Tuesday or Wednesday (work day), and I was exhausted. So around 2 AM I just went to bed… She talked to me fro a while by shouting from the living room, and eventually came into the bedroom.
an aside: I had seen this girl a few times but had never met her. I was not attracted to her, I was not drunk (in all seriousness the ending would likely have been different if I was drunk), but she was. I have a rule about sleeping with people who are drunk, especially if we don’t have a relationship. Hell maybe by 2 AM she was not drunk anymore. Also.. I am sort of still dating someone else, who I do like.
So she climbs into bed… and is like “Can I just stay here?” “Fine. Sleep. Night.”
She does not let me sleep, and we make out a little… then she starts trying to have sex with me, and I decide that I am just not in the mood for this shit. Tell her no. She says “I always get what I want.” and “My nickname is trouble; you better fuck me or else.”
That scares me. I have no clue who this girl is… does she have a bf? a husband? My neighborhood was a navy/army place, and there were fights every weekend as people are sleeping with each other’s wives. Fuck, maybe she was going to claim I raped her… I just want to sleep!
It’s about 4 am or so. I am loopy as fuck. and tell her I got to go into the office early for some bullshit reason. So I dress (in last night’s underwear, no shower, just dress and leave. Lock her out of the house with me. I walk to work (no car at the time) and go in… so. its like 4:45 or 5 am. I go into the stairwell and just try to sleep for a few hours.
At 7:30 I roll in to work. Smelling of cigarettes, bar, have glitter all over me. No says shit. Head back home at lunch to shower.
She never speaks to me again. She does seem to have a bf. They fight a lot I found out. Just all around strange encounter.
Told him I have feelings for him. His biggest fear is commitment, apparently.
9. “I’m Saving Myself”
Acted like I was still a virgin. Girl was coming on to me way too hard, tried to kiss me and tasted like she was drinking Jack out of an ashtray. Noped out of that one.
10. Pretended to take care of a friend
Hanging out with 2 friends (one guy and another girl) and we were drinking and dancing and hanging out, and he started getting handsy with both of us… and so she left to her room and I was with him.. I had no desire to sleep with him, but he wasn’t really taking no for an answer, so I told him I had to pee, and went to my friends room where I woke her up and told her to come into my room in a few minutes pretending she was drunk and was gonna get sick… So I go back in my room, and she comes in and asks for my help, and so we go to the bathroom and she is fake throwing up and we are pouring water in the toilet and trying so hard not to crack up.. So eventually her and I go to her room, and close the door, and I just text the dude who is in my room next to us that he can crash in my bed if he wanted, but that I needed to be with my friend. Woke up, he was gone, never saw him again. lol.
I told a girl I just had hernia surgery…it worked.
12. Fake Sleeping
I was at a halls party and it was getting pretty late, and a friend there said I could crash in her bed. Cool, thanks. I get in the bed while she’s in the bathroom, and when she comes out, she starts cuddling up to me and trying to kiss me. Now I’m not really attracted to her, and only ever saw her as a friend.
So I pretend to be asleep. She tries to kiss me for what feels like an eternity. I’ve never felt so awkward, and I can’t get to sleep for fucking hours. Pretty sure she knew as well.
13. Literally Just Ran Away
Many years ago I arranged to meet a girl off a dating site for some no strings fun. After chatting for a while, the date was arranged for one evening. Prior to the date, we were texting each other on the afternoon. She told me that she was having a few drinks in a pub for her mom’s birthday, no worries I thought, just a few to settle her nerves, get in the mood etc.
Later that evening as I waited for her in my car, she texted to say she’d be with me any second and described what she was wearing so I could spot her. At this point, she appears in view, staggering about, as if she’s been drinking with Oli Reed and Keith Moon on a weekend bender. I get out of my car to wait. As she gets closer I notice she looks nothing like her photo she has sent, which was someone else completely. The girl in the pic was attractive, the ‘real’ her, had teeth like a witch doctors necklace, and hygiene was definitely not high on her agenda.
Deciding that she’d clearly lied already, I was weighing up my options to get outta there, just as she pulls out her cigarettes and asks me for a light. I told her I didn’t smoke but could use my car cigarette lighter. I opened the door, jumped in and drove off at top speed, leaving her standing there with a look of disbelief on her face.
Many voice messages were received on my drive home, her in tears, saying ‘you don’t like me do you’.
14. Pretended to Throw Up
I was at the club and ended up going home with a girl that I knew liked me and she was pretty cute. We cab it to her place making out and then we end up in her bed and start to get naked. That’s when I smelled it. I could smell her privates before I even had her pants off. It was the worst smelling vagina ever in the history of stinky vaginas. I tried to get past it but I couldn’t deal, it was making my lose my boner big time. So I pretended that I was more drunk than I was and had to go throw up. Spent a few minutes in the bathroom making gagging noises then noped the hell out of there telling her I was soooooo wasted and I was gonna puke everywhere. Ran away and we never spoke again.
15. Pretended to be too high after, well, it’s complicated
Smoked with a very close female friend. We both got horny and shit was about to go down but she had to go drive her other friend home. Thought I’d missed my opportunity so I just jacked off in shame. Post-orgasm I realized I wasn’t really attracted to her and the thought of doing anything sexual with my best friend weirded me out. So she came back later and was extremely straightforward (basically told me she was dtf why wasn’t I?) At this point I pretended I was ‘really tired from being high’ and I actually acted like I was asleep. We kinda just sat there awkwardly until my brother came home and she had to leave. I should’ve handled it better but that’s the point of this thread. It’s even more bizarre because I’m a pretty inexperienced guy and never have girls show interest in me, but at this very moment, she was basically begging me to fuck her. Of course, this is the moment that I grow a moral compass. Horny 13-year-old me would kill me.
16. Works Every Time
17. Bailing Out Of Rounds 2 and 3
Faked an anxiety attack. This was after the first round of sex but he kind of implied that he wanted me to stay the night and maybe go for rounds two and three. He was terrible in bed. Also, he hadn’t showered and had shit all in his asscrack, even though he knew I was coming over. Dude.
18. Risked Alcohol Poisoning
I was talking to this girl but wanted to end things with her because I really wasn’t interested anymore. Anyway, I end up going to this frat party with her because she had already bought an outfit and ticket and I didn’t want to be an asshole because she was looking forward to it. While we are there she keeps implying that we are going to have sex later and I’m not feeling it at all. I then remember that earlier in the night I told my room mate (who can drink like a fish) that I would go drink for drink with him. I then proceeded to go 14 drinks deep to make sure my drunk ass went home alone.
19. Crushing the boner
“I have to take a shit.”
I wish this were a joke but I had already exhausted other options. Wouldn’t this kill a boner pretty quickly? I would hope so.
20. Faked His Own Death
Faked my own death. It was poorly planned out and fairly last minute, but she was super dumb.
I had known her for a number of years and we had a fling once. Dumb as a brick, but a good heart. She had contacted me and I felt bad as she sounded like she was pretty depressed. I worked for an armored truck company so it was about a 12 hour day of driving in the city and we were texting back and forth (I wasn’t the driver), fairly early in the day I told her I’d take her out to dinner to cheer her up, seemed a harmless thing. By the end of the day, I was desperate to get out of it, she went off the rails romantic and emotional about it. I didn’t want to be a dick and break it off, but I sure as fuck wasn’t going to let her have her way with me and try to sink her hooks in.
So I did what any rational person would do. I had my best friend post the news on my facebook wall that I was killed in a car accident at work. And had a few other friends sprinkle in details and remorseful comments. There was a bit of backlash as most of my friends thought I was actually killed, but meh.
Ran into her a few months later. Told her I was in a short-term coma.
21. THis one always works
At 4 am in a college dorm I had faked that I got a text from a friend saying to call him. So I called him, and luckily he picked up, and proceeded to ask him if he’s OK and if he needs to go to the hospital and where are you etc. etc. He was super confused at first and slowly caught on that I was in need of escape. The girl ended up buying it and I left and never spoke to her again. Reason I didn’t stay and fuck her was because she pulled her bed out of the room her roommate was in, laid it in the living area (where two other people were likely pretending to sleep). And her area was not in the least bit “fresh” so I bounced.