1. No Idea What He Was Doing
I was drunk the night of and only remembered the direct intercourse. The next day she was telling me about how I had her reverse cowgirl without penetration and was just grabbing her ass while moaning. She said it lasted a solid 15 minutes because she figured I must be enjoying it.
2. The Asshole
This happened about 8 years ago. I was recently single and the break up was rough and I wanted to have a good time, so I decided to have my first ever “booty call” type hookup.
I called up this guy I worked with who had been coming on really strong ever since my breakup and basically asked him to come have a few drinks and stay the night with me. He agreed and seemed excited and even insisted on bringing the drinks and a movie. Everything was fine and things started getting heavy and we moved to my bedroom.
The sex wasn’t fantastic, but it was enough to keep me interested. Well about halfway through we flipped over and I was on top. I bent down to kiss him and he put his hand up and physically stopped my face. Like, smooshed my face with his hand and said, in a genuinely apologetic tone, “Ohhh, sorry. I don’t kiss sluts.”
I was floored and just rolled off of him and asked him to leave. I mean the sex was mediocre to begin with, and lobbing insults at me mid-coitus really kind of dried up the ravine, ya know?
Anyhow, He got upset and didn’t seem to get what the big deal was. It was really embarrassing for me, though. I didn’t hook up with anyone else for almost a year because I couldn’t get that feeling of embarrassment out of my chest every time I thought about sex.
3. In The Closet
Sneak over to my girlfriends house while her family is out and bring over some alcohol. During it her family gets home earlier than expected so I have to jump up and grab the alcohol and dash into her closet. She kicks my clothes under the fucking bed so I’m naked in her closet.
The way her house was set up, her bedroom is connected to the living room and you can see her room/closet easily from the living room couch.
I spent all fucking night in her closet getting drunk while naked. Almost 6 hours. It sucked because my fucking girlfriend eventually fell asleep so I had no way to tell when it was safe to leave.
4. “Sorry, Mom”
We were making out having a good time and since her parents weren’t home we decide to do the deed. So she bends down takes her pants off along with mine and I’m tip in almost about to go in when her mom comes through the door looking for her. It was the worst thing cause she just kinda stared and didn’t look away or close the door. I just said I’m sorry and ran out.
5. Strip Poker
Played Strip Poker as a kid with my friend and his older sister and her friends. I was 12, maybe 13? I suck at poker and was naked first so had to do dares if I lost. One dare was to let my friends sister touch it. I started cumming right away and it got on her. She screamed. pushed me over and started beating me. Good times.
6. A Girl Tries To Comfort Her Sick BF
Me and my boyfriend at the time were fooling around while he was sick, we were both horny and I thought it might make him feel a little better. Well he had recently got into ass play with me and feeling dominant, I went to finger his ass. The moment my finger pushed in liquid diarrhea splattered all over my hand and front.. It was disgusting the smells still in my nose, I was appalled. I puked because the smell and entire situation was just disgusting, puking down his entire front.. Then he puked on me because I had puked on him. We were left in a bed of shit and puke just shocked. I never ran to a shower so fast in my life or stayed in one for so long.
7. A Virgin Gets Laid
The guy thought he was inside of me but nope, not even the tip. He didn’t realize it and just kept moving like he was having the time of his life while I just laid there thinking to myself “how the fuck is he not even realizing he’s not inside of me? Seriously what the fuck. Oh god is it too late now to tell him, isn’t it? Fuck my life” and then preceded to try and not laugh at him/the situation and just let him “finish” the job so I could leave.
Told my friends this story and they still make fun of it and say he was probably a virgin but yeah -50/10 would not recommend.
8. Bad Dog
Right as I was finishing, her dog had explosive diarrhea all over bedroom. She tried getting me to stay, I couldn’t.
9. She Had Options
Last night no matter what I did i couldn’t get hard enough to get any penetration and when I finally did I couldn’t get it in she had to guide me in, maybe it was a sign that it should have been a no go because after we finished she went on to say if another guy wasn’t at work she would have fucked him instead.
10. “That’s It?!”
A couple years ago I was making out with a girl, both of us violently drunk. We headed upstairs to a bathroom, slobbered all over each other for awhile, and then she went down on me. By this point I was damn near incoherent and holding onto the bathroom walls to stay upright. I finally managed to get up enough to put it in her but after only a minute or two of flailing around with a serious floppy, I finished.
Worst part about it, she turns around and looks at me– my pants around my ankles and cross eyed drunk– and says “That’s it?” in a real disgusted tone of voice.
11. Mother Nature Sends Her Regards
Doing the dirty on the floor. After we were finished, we realized the carpet and his dick were saturated with period blood. Fuck mother nature.
12. Condom Dressing Room
The first time I had sex I was really embarrassed because I was still a virgin. I tried putting on the condom and it was too small. Had to put fun times on hold while I went to the pharmacy to grab the right sized condoms. Bought 5 different sizes and played an adult version of Goldilocks and the bears for a while. At least my lady friend thought it was cute…
13. Who Put That Coffee Table There?
Once came home from the bar with a girl and was pretty drunk. We are on the couch in the living just gonna do it there. I get up for something and stumble over my coffee table and into my entertainment center and my TV falls on me. Cut the fuck out of my arm also.
It wasn’t too bad really, didn’t hurt or fuck my TV up. Just was weird because it was more of a “holy shit are you okay!?” fall than a “haha” fall =/
I also can’t count how many times I have drunkenly caused myself, her, or both of us to fall off the bed.
14. Digestive Distress
I’ve farted before and that usually ended up with my girlfriend and I laughing and then continuing, but this time we were intimate and I just couldn’t hold it. It really pissed me off so I just went through it anyway. It wasn’t super loud but the look on her face said otherwise. Afterwards we both mentioned how we were trying to keep focus and she was trying really hard not to laugh. That was a bad week for my digestive system.
15. Insulting Dirty Talk
Her idea of dirty talk was heckling. Took me out of the mood faster than anything else before or since. I guess some people are into that.
16. On Ecstacy
I was tripping on ecstasy before having sex.
NO ONE tells you about the dong shrinkage/hard to get erection effect it actually has, despite it’s reputation as a lovey drug. Apparently it has a vasoconstrictor effect, which basically shrinks blood vessels = shrunken peener and hard to get up; especially if it’s a batch that has amphetamines in it.
So my normally adequate dong got frighteningly tiny and I couldn’t get it up to prove it grows. All I got was a dismissive scoff and the after-action of cuddling into the silkiest blankets I’ve ever felt.
17. Lost Condom
Losing the condom during sex. Inside her.
We clearly hadn’t put the condom on properly and it kind of rolled back onto itself and… detached. Then I had to, well, retrieve it, which was harder than you might expect – and less fun than you might expect, because we were seriously worried that we’d have to go to a hospital to get it out.
I did find it. We did not keep going afterwards.
A few months later, exactly the same thing was a subplot in an episode of ER, so it’s probably not that uncommon…