6. The “No Relationship” Proposal
I met him about two weeks into freshman year of college in the student lounge at my dorm. I hadn’t made may friends yet and neither had he. He was a few years older than me since he had gone into the army right after high school. It hadn’t worked out, so he was giving college a try.
I had absolutely no attraction to him, but we made decent friends, and ended up being part of the same small social circle. We hung out a lot, mostly with mutual friends but occasionally alone when the others had plans.
Sophomore year, all of us had become disillusioned with dorm-life and rented a house together. He dropped out mid-way through sophomore year, but since we were all still living together, still hung out.
The First (kind of) Proposal
The next year, the house didn’t really work out, since two of the four found SO’s and wanted to move in with them. So with limited options, the two of us found a two-bedroom townhouse since he was working full time and I was working full time on top of my schooling. Basically, we lived with each other on and off (sometimes with other roommates, sometimes not) for about five years, even after I graduated. In that time, I became close to his family as well, who were local and kind enough to share holidays with me when I couldn’t go home to my own family. We both lost touch with our mutual college since we had all moved on to very different lives.
We had actually been living together so long, that we qualified (in that state) for a common-law marriage. Which I found out when he asked me if I was interested. (You know, for tax reasons.) I laughed it off and told him that at 24, I wasn’t interested in any marriage, real, or common law. He shrugged it off.
Eventually, due to him finding his “passion” (long-haul truck driving. I didn’t judge. much.) and me finally being able to afford it (barely), I got my own place. He crashed on my futon when he didn’t want to stay with his parents between hauls, buying groceries in exchange for boarding.
The 2nd (real) Proposal
About a year in to this arrangement, while I was hanging out with a new group of (not mutual) friends, he texted me saying he’d just come back from one of his hauls and asked to be let in. It was cold out and I was feeling lazy, (I was literally across the parking lot at another apartment) so one of the guys offered to take my keys over.
This is when shit got real.
Suddenly the dude was blowing up my phone with texts. “where R u?” “whos this guy?” “i thought we had plans.” I texted him back that, no, we didn’t have plans since I didn’t even know he was coming in today, but he was welcome to hang out at my place and we’d come up with dinner or something when I got home.
Just as my phone was blowing up again with “but i just got in” and “we always go to [crappy diner]” my friend returned from delivering the keys with kind of a weird look on his face and told me. “You might want to talk to that guy…” At this point, I was extremely irritated that he thought that I would drop everything to hang out with him just because he graced my doorstep, but I knew he wouldn’t leave it alone, since now he was repeatedly calling me.
I trudge back to my apartment, with an entourage of friends who were concerned for my safety because obviously this guy was off his rocker This was including the guy who had gone to deliver the keys. (Thanks guys. I didn’t need an audience for this.) Dude is standing on my stoop, red-faced, looking like an oversized baby about to throw a tantrum.
He starts to ask what the hell is going on, but not wanting to make a scene outside my apartment, I shove him inside, and then, not wanting to make a scene in front of my friends, shove him into my room and close the door and ask him to explain himself. (For all the good it did. Damn walls/doors in that place were paper-thin)
He literally starts bawling. He’s crying that I never talk to him anymore (not true) never spend time with him anymore (he’s a long-haul trucker on the road three-weeks at a time!) and don’t care about him anymore (he crashed at my apartment any time he wanted!). Then he said I was ruining everything! He was planning on taking me to [crappy diner] that night to propose! He goes on about the life he had dreamed up for us, him on the road, coming home to me and our kids in our (back)country home… And now, behind his back I was making other friends and now he had to deal with Key-Guy!
Ho. lee. SHIT.
I could hear my friends gasping for breath they were laughing so hard in the other room and I fucking lost it. I screamed at him that he was delusional, and that not only was I not accepting his proposal, I had no idea why the hell he thought we were in a relationship in the first place!
Through his sobs, he brought up something that had happened three years ago, that he described as a magical night. I told him that one night of whiskey-induced bad-decisions where I fully explained to him that it would never, under any circumstances, would happen again, constituted a relationship. He told me he thought that meant I wasn’t ready for sex.
My friends are all crying and on the ground with laughter now, I’m pissed as hell and don’t give a rat’s ass about causing a scene and dude is bawling like an infant. I grab his duffle bag, throw it out the front door and demand he leave. Now.
He digs his heals in insisting we can work it out. I threaten to call the cops.
He’s down on his knees telling me he’ll do anything. I threaten to call his mom.
Finally, still sobbing, he finally gives in and leaves.
My friends finally recover from their laughing fit and take me back across the parking lot to get me drunk. (Because in the end, they were good friends.)
I break ties with the dude for good, stop answering any calls and texts from him, explain myself to his mother (who actually took my side) and move on. Only to find that I would still occasionally see his car in my parking lot. Turns out, he was still “friends” with my neighbors (aka, was using them to spy on me like good old southern-biddies).
I gave them plenty to tell him, mainly because I actually did start dating Key-Guy and we both thought it was funny to have our post-coitus cigarettes on my front stoop in fairly obvious just-put-on-enough-to-be-decent clothing. It ended with him amicably when I accepted a better job out-of-state.
As I was moving my furniture out to the truck, my “southern-biddy” neighbor came out in shock asking what was going on, since I hadn’t mentioned anything about moving. True to form, Key-Guy grabbed my hand, said we were engaged and were moving to San-Diego (thousands of miles away from where I was actually moving).
Last I heard from crazy-not-boyfriend was a tearful voicemail from later that day letting me know he was happy for me and that he was still there if I ever changed my mind.
7. A Size 13 Ring…In Men’s
Ex and I dated for 4 years. Towards the end of our relationship I was done with his bull shit of not attempting to improve himself via his education, home life, and personal life. He always complained about his life and would not make any attempt to help himself. We broke up and one week later he came to my school during a class meeting and proposed in front of at lest 300 random students eating their dinner. He had three things with him. (A) Roses (Which I seriously hate) B. A ring in a size 13 MEN. (I wear chick size 5) and (C) A super long poster size love letter. Because he interrupted my very important meeting I got a write up with the head of my department. He should be grateful I did not take the giant ring and shove it up his ass with the roses sticking out for a refined artistic look. He would not accept * my ” No” for an answer and left everything behind . Told me I would change my mind.