Thought Catalog

25 Dudes Confess The Baffling Things They Did With Their Dicks That Made Them Question Their Life Choices

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lavandasogni / www.twenty20.com/photos/e285e2b6-8f5a-45af-87ab-5f779d6655f6
lavandasogni / www.twenty20.com/photos/e285e2b6-8f5a-45af-87ab-5f779d6655f6

1. Four Bath Towels

Tried to see how many full size bath towels I could hold on it

It was 4 and my dick almost snapped so I would not recommend, I’m average at 6 inches too so it’s not like I have a huge one either.

2. Woah

Sucked my own dick. You know that feeling after you finish to some questionable porn? That times 1000.

3. Getting To First Place

Used it as a gearshift and made car noises and pretended that I was racing.

4. Bad Stand Up

Not me, but my gf loves to hold it like a microphone and tap it while saying:

“Is this thing on?”

And proceeding into a whole bad joke stand up routine.

This is how about half of her bj attempts end.

5. Peek-a-Boo

I’m uncircumcised. I used to kind of roll my foreskin inward until my entire penis was hidden. Then I’d let go and let it pop back out again. Shit was wild.

6. Limbering Up

Did stretching exercises with it as a teen to see if it got longer. It didn’t.

7. Why Not?

When I was 13 I tried masturbating using a hand pump from the kitchen for vacuum seal containers.

8. *Bop*

One time after I boned my girlfriend, I walked out to get a glass of water. As I passed my couch my cat swats at me and grazes my sack.

So I bopped him on top his head with my half-chub to assert dominance

Probably that.

9. Superglue

My buddy in the sixth grade told me his story. Everyone remembers how fun it is to put glue on your hand, and peel it off? He multiplied the fun by putting it on his dick. And then, to multiply that fun by 10x, he used superglue. Long story short, he had to have his mom poke holes in the peehole just so he could take a leak. He said it shot in multiple streams.

10. Poor Teddy

During one particularly heated masturbation session, 14-year-old me decided to stick his dick in a hole in the rear end of his beloved childhood teddy bear to see if he could simulate having sex with something other than Lefty.

It didn’t feel good or bad, and afterwards I could never look it in the face again.

11. Puppet Master

After we were done and it was in a relaxed state, had an ex that thought it was hilarious to shake it as if it were head banging and say “righteous!” in a voice that I guess was supposed to be that of my penis.

12. Acetone

When I was about 10 I put acetone on my junk. Seems weird. Made sense though – as I wanted to remove the smiley face painted on with nail polish. 11 out of 10 would NOT recommend.

13. Bro Stuff Gone Way Too Far

A few years ago my best friend had those giant holes in the lobes of his ears. He said it “made him look cool”. Another friend thought I couldn’t fit my penis through it ear hole and we bet 50 bucks.

Put that image in your head.

14. Hot Dog Time

My girlfriend at the time said she was hungry late at night and I asked if she wanted a hot dog. Went to the fridge, put my dick in a bun, put mustard on it, and walked bare assed back to my room and said, “here ya go.” She thought it was hilarious. I’m just glad my roommates didn’t happen to come downstairs and see me putting mustard on my dick illuminated by the gentle glow of the open fridge.

15. The Musician

Whenever I get out of the shower with a semi chub I sometimes make it swing left and right so it slaps my hips and makes a noise.

16. Getting Stuck

I fucked a bottle once and my dick got stuck, had to calmly lose pressure.

17. It Worked

So when I was a kid I had always heard masturbation referred to as “whacking off” so the first time I tried it I literally just slapped my penis. Not hard just soft little taps. It actually worked but I’m glad I figured out the right way to do it.

18. Timbeeeeeerrrrr!

I like to watch it fall like a tree after an erection sometimes.

19. Strawberry Jam

I fucked a full jar of strawberry jam. My housemates all skipped town very quickly after graduation, leaving me to clean the apartment. One of them left the jar of jam, and I was like, fuck it!

20. Fit Everything You Can

Not my dick, but an exes.

He has his foreskin, so one day we decided to stick an R4 cartridge (for pirating Nintendo DS games) into it. Then the GBA cartridge (for same) lengthwise. Then widthwise (it was a bit of a stretch lol). I took pictures of each.

21. Money Back Guarantee

Put it in a kettle. Then got really depressed and questioned my life choices. Then later I was in the store I originally bought the kettle and saw there was a sign saying it had a fault and they were being recalled in, so I took it back, got the money and bought Assassin’s Creed 2.

22. The Writer

Typed. You have to keep rubbing it so it’s heavy enough, then squat over the keyboard. Here-

Never mind. I was gonna type a sentence that way but I’m too lazy to boner.

23. Poor Leonardo

When I was really little, I have a pretty vivid memory of being in a bubble bath and trying to shove my junk into the top of a teenage mutant ninja turtles shampoo bottle. It was actually shaped like a TMNT.

At one point my older brother comes in and says “you’ll get it stuck in there forever.” After he left, I started getting an erection because, I don’t know, a leaf fell or something. As my penis expanded inside of Leonardo, I could feel it getting tight and I started panicking. I began shaking the bottle violently trying to yank it off.

Yank it off I did. Right into Leonardo’s stomach.

24. Locking It Up Cause You Don’t Know Better

I was pretty confused about sex, American schools are lousy and my parents didn’t tell me shit. So here’s the story of the first time I masturbated.

I looked up some porn, probably typed in something like “naked boobs” and went down the wormhole that it’s Google images. Eventually I happened upon bondage.

Found a website called Hogtied, part of a collection of websites called kink. All the women were tied up. Hot. They also all had clips on their nipples. Sure. The dudes fucking them had locks on their balls.

I’m young, I just assumed that’s how adults fucked. So I found some bigass locks for a locker, locked my balls, and started rubbing. It was uncomfortable, but if that’s how adults fuck, then I guess I’d better get used to it.

I’ll never forget when I finally came. I felt warm inside, like my soul was being cradled by light, all emanating from my dick. I reached down and, since it was dark, thought I pissed myself. When I waddled to the bathroom and turned on the light, the piss was white, so I freaked out and looked up “white pee” . Eventually I got everything sorted out, but oh man, I have no doubt that not knowing how to sex helped shape my sexual appetites today. Less locks for me now though.

25. Pew Pew

I’m uncircumcised and when I was younger I used to fill up my foreskin with water when I was in the bath and would shoot it out like a water gun. TC mark

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  • http://allensrepositoryofstuff.wordpress.com allensrepositoryofstuff

    Some of these are damned hysterical.

  • http://ashakibo.wordpress.com Zara Ahmed

    Shifting car gears had me! :D

  • http://funniesdaily.jom1.net/25-dudes-confess-the-baffling-things-they-did-with-their-dicks-that-made-them-question-their-life-choices/ 25 Dudes Confess The Baffling Things They Did With Their Dicks That Made Them Question Their Life Choices | FunniesDaily
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