1. A Lifechanging Lie
Told my employer that I was Jewish. Not Jewish. Had to research all the holidays, pick a temple to be a member of, etc.
Had to get a new job.
2. His Very Own Olivia Wilde
I’m the kind of person that always leaves my shoes tied and just slips them on. I’m dating this girl for a couple months and then one day my shoe gets untied but I’m too lazy to retie it. It really bothers her and she insists on me tying it. I really don’t want to bend over and do it for some reason. It was around the time when Liam Neeson got his shoe tied by Olivia Wilde and I was crazy jealous because I really liked Olivia Wilde since watching House.
She eventually asks me “Don’t you know how to tie your shoes???”. In my head I’m seeing Liam Neeson getting his shoes tied by Olivia Wilde and how badass it looks. So I say “No… I never learned how, you can’t tell anyone…”
To this day, when my shoe gets untied in public she will pull me off to the side away from other people and secretly tie my shoe. For some reason it makes her happy and it’s the sweetest thing ever. I can’t understand how she would even tolerate a grown man who doesn’t know how to tie his own shoe! I’ll never be Liam Neeson cool, but I’ve found my Olivia Wilde.
3. Lies About Not Having Children
I work with a number of women (and men for that matter) who all have children. When we all first started working together they asked me if my wife and I have kids – I said no. I have zero interest in hearing about their kids or talking about mine.
So years later I’m the guy without kids and it’s wonderful. My boss who I’ve known for 18 years actually knows my son and doesn’t care, he actually thinks its funny.
Son is in his mid 20s and has been out of the nest for years to technically I don’t have kids, just an adult son.
4. The Lie That Caused A Heart Condition
In an ironic twist of fate, I used to tell people that I had a heart condition, and that’s why I took pills daily (it’s actually Prozac).
Found out about a year and some change ago that I do, in fact, have a heart condition.
I lied so hard that I retroactively gave myself a heart condition.
5. The Drunk Liar
I dislocated my knee dancing like a maniac whilst drunk in January. Ended up on crutches for three weeks. Told everyone at work I did it bending down to grab something from the freezer because I didn’t want them to think I was a drunken maniac. People at work are still shocked that I dislocated it so ‘easily’ and keep saying how unlucky I am and bringing the sympathy. Now I just feel like a fraud.
6. The Christmas Lie That Became A Family Story
My aunt would send us Christmas presents a month or so early every year and they’d sit under the tree just asking to get peeked into. Usually it was pretty boring stuff. So one year me and my brother both got this same exact size small box that felt completely weightless. We couldn’t tell what it was from the small holes we made, nor by shaking it or anything so we decided one of us had to open it up completely, find out what it was and wrap it back up. Well…turned out to be a crisp $20 with a bunch of tissue paper wadded up around it. We were dirt poor so $20 was like $1,000,000. We didn’t want to wait to spend it either so we carefully extracted each of our $20’s and rewrapped the boxes.
Now comes the lie. Mom would want to know where we got this money…she knew we had no money and no way to get any money so we came up with a plan. My brother was to take the $40 and when we got to Wal Mart, he would go to the bathroom and when he came back he would say he found it on the floor and in the Christmas spirit he will graciously split the money with me allowing us to spend our $20 freely. Everything worked perfectly.
Except my mom gushed about it to anyone who’d listen and STILL occasionally brings up our amazing luck finding $40 at Wal Mart that time. It’s proof of the magic of Christmas! See, Santa is real! Almost 25 years later it still gets mentioned. She’d be crushed to know the truth so the lie lives on.
7. Thirteen Year Old Lies About Age, Goes To College Early
When I was 13 I was playing world of Warcraft and someone asked me my age. 13 was so young so I lied and said I was 14, cause that meant I was so much more mature. Well I kept playing wow, with the same group of people, and 4 years later they thought I was 18.
Someone started asking me how my applications to college were going since I was that age. Being caught in the lie about my age I played along and asked for advice. I played along with the advice which resulted in me actually putting in a college application to a university and…. I got in. As a high school junior.
So to keep up this lie about my age I now had to finish high school quickly so I could actually go to this university that accepted me. Great part is that I was able to do this by overloading my spring semester of “Senior” year high school with online classes (yay Florida online high school). I managed to graduate high school a year early and went to university a year early to keep this lie going.
So here I am, at a university 1000miles from my home state, finished my BS and am now doing a masters, all because 14 sounded way more mature than 13 on a fucking video game.
8. Toddler Lies About Why He’s Crying, Earns Swim Lessons
When I was about 5 I remember being in the bathroom and brushing my teeth. My mum was there and berated me for something. Later, being a sensitive child, I was crying in bed about it. My parents came in all concerned and my mum asked: “was it because I yelled at you earlier?”. Embarrassed at being caught out so easily I said ” no.. I’m sad because.. Because I can’t swim”. Soon after I was taken to swimming lessons. I hated swimming.
9. A Lie Of Jurassic Proportions
Here is a lie I told in first grade. We had to do a report on a dinosaur, and we were each assigned a different dino to do a report on. We each were supposed to stand in front of the class and give a report. Before I could go, another girl in my class went and did a report on the same dinosaur my report was on. Instead of assuming that the teacher just handed out the same dinosaur to multiple kids, I assumed that I messed up and did the report wrong, so I threw it away and started crying before recess. My teacher came up to me and asked why I was crying, so I told her it was “because my mom has breast cancer.”
To be fair, I did have a really vague memory of someone telling me my mom had cancer. My dad had cancer when I was very little, and I think it was just a dream, but I partially believed it. It didn’t make me cry though. It was the report that I was upset about.
This lie didn’t last long, when my teacher gave my mom a get well soon card, and my mom confusingly explained that she did not have cancer.
10. Professor Liar
I am a professor and many times I will tell personal stories in an effort to demonstrate tough concepts. About half of these stories I made up at some point.
I don’t remember which ones are real and which ones are lies. So I just go with them and don’t worry about it.
11. The Coward
That I am allergic to bees. I was so scared of them in grade school and junior high, that I convinced everybody that I am allergic so they don’t judge me when I run from bees.
12. Tuna Casserole Forever
When I was a little kid, I told my mom I really liked her tuna casserole. I was just trying to be nice and pay her a compliment since she seemed like she was having a bad day.
Pretty much every time I go to visit her she has some tuna casserole waiting for me. I don’t actually like tuna casserole that much, but it’s such a sweet gesture that I don’t have the heart to tell her to stop. This has been going on for over thirty years now.
13. American Pretends To Be Scottish, Convinces Aussies
A couple years ago, I went to a bar in a town I didn’t expect to be in very often, and I decided to don a Scottish accent and make up a back story for a fictitious version of myself.
Now, I doubt my accent would have fooled someone actually from Edinburgh, but by the end of the night I had a group of Americans and one bemused Australian chatting with me about the things that make the US a strange place to visit from abroad. Shots were bought, back slaps given, and a good night had; I thought nothing else of it.
…until I was dating a girl from the next town over, and she took me to her favorite bar. That bar. We walked in, someone greeted my by my “name”, and I did the only thing I could do — cheerfully donned my fraudulent accent, explained that my business trip had been indefinitely extended, and spent the next twenty minutes furtively explaining to my date that I wasn’t a con man, just an ex actor with terrible impulse control.