You Can Be Sexy And Smart Without Putting Out

Shutterstock / Alina Cardiae Photography
Shutterstock / Alina Cardiae Photography

Men are very attracted to feminine women who are comfortable with their sexuality and know how to express it. This doesn’t mean that you need to be overtly sexual or have sex on the first date. It does mean that you will take a risk and steer the conversation into sexy territory now and then.

Most women don’t know how to embrace their sexual power, and probably very few are comfortable with it. We’re afraid that if we open that door too soon, it might lead us to have sex right away and sabotage the relationship. Unfortunately, if you keep holding back, there’s a good chance that nothing will happen, no spark, no chemistry — nothing!

A lot of women want to sit back and leave everything up to a man, but I can assure you that smart, sexy, confident women are not afraid to create a spark or fan the flame. You need to take a risk or you will continue to feel increasingly hopeless after every date.

I get how hard it is to be sexy without it leading to sex. In my own experience, after going on far too many dead-end dates, I realized that the reason I hated dating so much was that I was extremely uncomfortable around men.

The only thing I was sure they wanted from me was sex. So, I did one of two things: either I shut down and pulled away or I wound up going to bed with them. This took all the fun out of dating. I was afraid to flirt and be playful because I didn’t trust myself not to sleep with my dates. I knew that I needed to learn how to feel sexy and express my sexuality without having sex.

I discovered that there were many ways to express my sexuality. Here are some suggestions:

  1. Let him know you’re listening. Try giving your date a sexy look now and then when he says something flirty, touch his arm to make a point, or intentionally lean in a little too close to hear what he’s saying. Don’t just make eye contact: stare deeply into his eyes and smile while he’s telling a story.
  2. Little gestures go a long way. Instead of sitting across from him at a table, sit next to him. If you’re afraid to touch him, put your hand on his arm and say, “I love your shirt.” Or, if you’re feeling bold, brush your hand against his knee and say you love his pants. Another very simple way to flirt is to address your date by his name. Just because you know how to tease doesn’t mean that you’re a tease! With practice, you will feel lighter and more attractive with every date. I did!
  3. Set boundaries — playfully. One of the big mistakes many women make is that they become uncomfortable when a man makes sexual innuendos. If you shut a man down when he tries to take the conversation into more intimate territory, it could stop the momentum cold. I know it can feel uncomfortable to have a man express his sexual interest. You need to practice setting boundaries in a playful way. If things start to heat up, you need to find a playful way to let your date know that you are not going home with him. When he suggests that you come to his apartment, you might say with a sexy smile, “I am really flattered, but you are going to have to work a lot harder than that to get me to go home with you.”
  4. Don’t be scared if sex comes up in conversation. If it does, you can make a joke and say, “Paying for my drink will get you far, but diamonds will get you farther.” A woman who knows what she wants doesn’t downplay her sexuality. She isn’t afraid to be playful, have a fun conversation and flirt. FYI, men love this kind of sexy banter.

As women, we sometimes think that just because we wore something sexy, a man will know we’re interested. This isn’t true. Many men — especially those who are not players — need feedback and encouragement from women before they make a move. You could be the hottest woman in the world, but if you are afraid to be openly playful and sexual with your dates, you might never start the fire. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

This post originally appeared at YourTango.


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