Thought Catalog

Why I’m A-Okay With My Maybe-Gay Boyfriend

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Tom Sodoge

I’ve always had an unsettling paranoia that every boyfriend I’ve ever had was a little bit gay. On a few occasions the paranoia was warranted, during others I never quite chalked up the reasoning behind my suspicions. I call my paranoia unsettling not because of a discomfort with homosexuality itself, but rather a why me? My train of thought often trickles down to: Is he only attracted to me because I’m masculine? Am I androgynous? Am I simply a pawn to display his false-heterosexuality to his peers? Me, me, me?

So I do confess that I have, more than once but less than the amount of fingers on my two hands, fantasized being fucked by an Uruk Hai. I sometimes, too, fantasize about having a passionate lesbian relationship with infamous teen-bride Courtney Stodden (more times than I can count on my fingers and toes). As a whole, I mostly crave the tall, dark and handsome (and hairy) men. Beneath this I, to a much less frequent degree, share the same desire to be with a gorgeous woman. What is the motive behind each of these desires? Do I crave hairy men for the same reason I crave feminine women?

Sexuality is weird. There’s so much involved in our desire to fuck – emotional bonding, sexual attraction, thrill, boredom, stress-relief, dominance/submission, power, money, babies, novelty, curiosity, adventure – it’s not always about the sex of the person in which we wish to achieve this from. When my latest lover and I fuck, it often involves name-calling (“dirty little whore” being my favorite), slapping, choking, and the whole lot. Almost immediately after climax, however, we go back to cuddling and whispering sweet nothings to each-other. Could this not be the most evident dichotomy of love and sexual desire?

During intercourse, the mind goes to pure arousal, pure adrenaline, pure thrill-seeking, and pure pleasure-seeking (and for some, pure love, I suppose).

My desire to be called a fucking whore by a blonde bimbo, or to be penetrated by a fantasy troll, do not in any capacity effect or diminish my sexual and romantic desires towards my current lover. If he wants to maybe fuck men, perhaps that too has nothing to do with his sexual or romantic desires towards me!

He shows me displays of affection. He shows genuine interest in the things that are important to me. We have immense chemistry and can talk about anything and everything under the moon. He goes out of his way to make me feel nice and he fucks me so well. I have a fairly expansive sexual appetite; it would make sense then to have somebody whose sexuality is to just indulge in sexuality itself. At the end of the day, solid relationships are more about companionship than they are about fucking. So let’s indulge – first, in a MMF threesome! Who wants to be the Oberyn to my Ellaria?! TC mark

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