Whenever it comes to other people, I usually know what to do when they have a choice to make. I listen and ask questions to help them find out what they really want. I’m 100% sure they always know what’s best for them. I try to motivate them to just try. If you never try you never know, right?
Is my advice any good? I honestly have no idea. Maybe my advice to other people is not the advice they need. Maybe it’s the advice I mostly need myself.
I love to shove my decisions in the hands of others. I wonder what they would do, then act accordingly. I used to think it’s because I’m empathic. I told myself I’m such a “people’s person,” always thinking about others first. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that it’s actually avoidant behavior. I’m scared to death about making important decisions myself. What if I don’t choose the right thing? I would lose time, feel embarrassed, or worse, be disappointed in myself. If I make decisions thinking about others, I don’t have to think about what I truly want. I never have to take a leap that could potentially lead to disappointment and take responsibility for it.
I’ve been trying to work on it. In my own special way, I have to say. I went to a meditation group to reach my “deeper self,” secretly thinking she’ll know what to do. At the end of the class, I opened my eyes and hoped the answer would show itself to me. A clear mind? Yes. More relaxed? For sure. An absolute answer? Hell no. I’ve also had meetings with a coach. Last week, I caught myself staring into her blue eyes after she obviously didn’t want to tell me what to do. I was convinced that a route would form itself and show me the way. The more I focused on her eyes, however, the more evened out the blue became. Literally nothing.
The thing is, I always end up at the same point. Sometimes I feel good about a choice and am happy and excited. I go to bed with a relaxed mind, knowing what to do. The next day I wake up and doubt knocks on my door again. With sweet words, it talks its way back in and takes over the wheel. It steps on the gas, only to step on the brake the next second. My mind goes fuzzy and I send another text to my coach.
When you keep on going back and forth, it means you’re not doing shit. You don’t try the things you secretly want to try because you’re scared for the what if’s. What would I tell my friends in this situation? I would probably say that what if’s will always be there. You just have to think and feel it through, then go for it. You can’t control the outcome. You live and you learn.
What do I do? Smile while buying another ticket for the headache-inducing roller coaster I’ve already been on a million times. It’s called “my doubting mind.”
So, AITA for literally never following my own advice? I’m afraid I already know the answer.