We all have that friend who is so unbelievably cool, it makes us die a little inside. You know the one. She’s gorgeous, funny, and perfect and you really want to hate her, but you can’t because she’s so sweet. She really has everything going for her. So when you see her getting her panties in a twist over some guy, you’re just like “wtf?”
My best friend is exactly like this. Her ex-boyfriend is the human equivalent of the scum we scrape off our shoes, but she still has a soft spot for him. I’ll never understand how she can even think about him without throwing up. He’s rotten to her (and pretty much everyone else on the planet). He’s crazy and wild, but not in a good way. They’ve been broken up for a while, but, like Mr. Big with Carrie, he seems to have a radar for when she’s happy again, and that’s exactly when he decides to reappear into her life and mess it all up.
You can understand my shock and frustration when my bestie told me that she might see him today “just to talk.” Sirens went off in my head. Why would she do that to herself again? “When I get bored I do DUMB THINGS.” No, no, NO.
There are so many amazing things in life that don’t involve talking to douchebags. So, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a lovely little list of things that my best friend (and all the girls out there who go crawling back to their exes) can do instead.
1. Retail therapy. Maybe this shouldn’t be first on the list, but I think we can all agree that a little damage to your wallet is a lot better and easier to bounce back from than damage to the heart.
2. Participate in a donut-eating contest. I don’t know if and where these actually exist, but come on, you know that sounds awesome and you’d totally do it if given the chance.
3. Pick up more hours at work. More hours = more $$$! (See #1.)
4. Go to Disney World. Seriously. Go hang out with Goofy and Mickey at the Happiest Place on Earth. I heard that Splash Mountain is a lot more fun than talking to your ex.
5. Hunt alligators. If you live in the South, this one’s for you. Why not put on a cute camo hat, grab a bayonet, and rustle up some grub for dinner? (Maybe this isn’t legal, but you know what they say: better to be in jail than back with your ex!)
6. Practice yoga. Yes, you can “downward dog” without some dude. Think about it. Ohm.
7. Make a dope little needlepoint. Taylor Swift did this for Ed Sheeran and it was the absolute cutest. Crafting = great for the soul. Problem solved.
8. Call your mom. She loves you and she Instagrammed an adorable baby pic of you on your birthday (caption: “You will always be my baby girl!”) People like this deserve your time and attention. Your psycho ex doesn’t.
9. Sell lemonade on the side of the road. Remember how fun this was as a kid, when you’d sit outside for hours on a hot sunny day and almost make enough money to pay your parents back for that lemonade mix they bought you?
10. Shut out all the lights in your room and listen to Sphongle. For optimal effects, eat some magic mushrooms beforehand, and invest in a good pair of headphones!
11. Tie-dye some shirts. Rainbow tie-dyed shirts were all the rage growing up in the 90’s and it’s about time they came back into style.
12. Dye your hair. Nothing attracts the right kind of gentlemen quite like the lingering stench of L’Oreal semi-permanent and dye stains all over your hands (I know from experience).
13. Become a nun. I read somewhere in the Bible that if you pray hard enough, God will send down a lightning bolt and smite all of your ex-boyfriends. Going that extra step and devoting your life to Jesus seems like a good precaution.
14. Fake your own death. Either he will leave you alone for good, or he will stomp on your fake grave and yell at you for dying.
15. Read War and Peace. By the time you’re done with this book, you will have no mental capacity left to remember who you are, or what your ex’s name is.
16. Interrupt a live newscast and bask in the fame! I hear reporters really like random people barging into their broadcasts and yelling “FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!”
17. Delete his number.