Tinder is a great app for scanning through and meeting singles in your area. It offers limited space to put your best self forward, but that’s part of the charm. Despite it’s simple format, many men post profiles shots that not only destroy their chances of finding a mate, but also send the lady swipers of Tinder into a dark spiral of fear and celibacy.
1. The Playgirl Audition
We live in a world where women get all of the cool sexy poses. Whether it’s gyrating under a waterfall or rolling around half naked on a sandy beach, women have taken a claim on the sassiest and most sensual of poses. While I appreciate social revolts, the fact remains that 99% of men cannot successfully mimic a sexy pose. While you may feel like a man-vixen rubbing yourself under that waterfall, the reaction it elicits in women is one of fear and unrelenting despair.
2. The Glamour Shot
If your profile picture required a non-ironic use of a backdrop, concealer, and velour of any kind, you’ve probably crossed over into a glamour shot. Sure, glamour shots were all the rage with rotund aunts in the 90’s, but when it comes to finding a date nowadays it’s not going to help you out, no matter how fabulous you look.
3. Dat Bass
Fishing is a fun activity that many men enjoy. However, never once has a woman described her crush in terms of “the size of his bass”. Nothing about a man holding a slimy trout stirs up any sexual feelings within our loins. We aren’t your uncle Rick and therefore, we aren’t going to base our approval of you on the size of your rainbow trout.
4. The Ladies Man
If Tinder was an app used to recruit “cool dudes who can stand next to hot ladies in bikinis” there would certainly be a need for you to post images of you standing next to hot girls in bikinis. However, the fact that you attended a Budweiser sponsored summer bash and a few of the models let your sloppy drunk ass stand next to them for a picture does not increase your ranking in the Tinder bachelor circle.
5. The Constipated Killer
It’s great that you care about your body. We can be ok with the fact that you have a PhD in broscience. In fact, we even tolerate your fitted tank top and that every one of your profile pictures was taken in the weight room. However, the picture in which you are flexing every muscle with such force that you look like a severely constipated man who is pumped to murder his next victim and stuff her dead body into a truck tire that you will hand flip for miles down a dirt road to dispose of in a bog, is unacceptable.
6. The Animal Carcass
A highly successful formula for Tinder is to pose with a pet. In fact, women will swipe right on a profile just to meet your dog. In contrast to the cutesy love feelings elicited by a man snuggling his adorable pet, is the image of a Tinder man proudly posing with a dead animal carcass. Your camo attire and the blood seeping from the freshly wounded animal on the ground beside is a dark cloud of sexless sorrow.
7. Mr. Dress-Up
Dressing up is pretty cool at Halloween. Sometimes people dress up at theme parties. My Uncle Gene dressed up as a lady on occasion. However, unless we know you and the context of the picture, seeing you full-out in costume sends creepy vibes through our bodies with such force that we are unable to even have a sex thought for up to 6 hours after the exposure.
8. The Sympathy Card
With the exception of the .009-3% of women who are immensely aroused by funerals and dying relatives, the majority of women are not getting all horned up at the sight of you embracing your feeble hospital gowned grandma on her deathbed. Save those pictures for the mantle where sweet grammy’s ashes are resting.
9. Weapons Man
It’s nice to have a man that protects us. However, in day to day life the majority of protecting needed is to divert us from stepping on a piece of chewing gum or a rogue chunk of dog crap. I would guesstimate that the most women have required a man to attack her enemies with a sword almost zero times in their lives. In fact, your profile pictures of you posing with swords, nunchucks, and bo staffs are more of an indicator of your pride in your Guild Master status than your ability to protect your lady.
10. Mr. Zany Fun Guy
If you want to show us your sense of humor the best way is to just be funny. A picture of you laughing might even suffice. However, many guys embrace their “zany guy” status with such reckless abandon that their profiles become a series of kooky faces and crazy costumes. Unless your goal is to find a small child in need of entertainment, the wild and wacky pics are going to keep you celibate.