When they said, “You can eat cereal for breakfast when you grow up!” they didn’t mention that you’d be paying for the cereal and then when you wake up and want breakfast you’d be out of cereal. Also they don’t mention you’ll be hyped on sugar and you’ll stay up too late and be late for work. BS.
Bills. Need I say more?
Doctor’s appointments get so much worse the older you get. Now I have to get fucking Pap smears and mammograms? No one gives me a fucking lollipop anymore, either. And why is it all of a sudden everyone wants my fluids? Whether it’s blood or urine or plasma, whatever the fuck. JUST LET ME KEEP WHAT’S MINE.
Working. Work to live, live to work amirite? It’s fucking bullshit. But there’s no way to avoid the system. You have to work to make money to pay rent so that you can keep working and making money and paying rent. It’s a vicious cycle, but there’s no way out. That’s adulthood.
No more recess. Why don’t we get a break midday to play anymore? Remember when lunch was a time to eat square pizza and play kickball? Or to walk around with your friends listening to angsty music?
Upkeep. Everything gets hairier, lower and more complicated. If I drink a milkshake my ass jiggles more for like a week, but if I eat nothing but lettuce for a month I don’t lose an ounce. I’ve gotta pluck my eyebrows constantly to avoid looking like a damn cavewoman. And I don’t even want to get into my facial hair right now. I could have a glorious mustache if I should choose. Back in the day, I didn’t have dark upper lip hair! I didn’t even have dark leg hair. AND NOW I HAVE TOE HAIR. LIKE A GOD DAMN HOBBIT. Don’t get me started on my bewbs. Breastfeeding and weight loss have ruined the ladies. They’re like a tennis ball in a sock. Okay, not really but that’s how it feels. Whenever I’m with a man and he compliments my body I’m like, “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW! YOU THINK THIS IS GOOD? BITCH PLEASE, THIS IS THE AFTER PICTURE.”
You can’t just hit people randomly and get away with it anymore. Time out has become much more serious. I can’t just hit someone because they pissed me off or ate my string cheese. And if I like a boy, I can’t just kick him and run away.
Even if I wanted to, I can’t sleep all day! Believe me, I’ve tried. Back in the day I could just lie there and eventually I’d sleep. It didn’t matter what time it was.
I have no fucking energy anymore. I took my nephews to a place filled with fucking trampolines and after about 6 bounces I was wheezing like an 80-year-old coal miner with black lung. I remember playing tag, running bases and playing hopscotch. But now when I have to climb the stairs in my house more than once in 10 minutes I’m taking a break and sitting down like, “SOMEONE GET ME SOME FUCKING WATER, DAMN IT.”
If you fall asleep on the couch, you don’t magically wake up under the covers in your bed. Now, if I fall asleep on the couch I wake up sore, cold, and hung over. I have to drag my sad, tired, and probably hung over ass to bed. WHY DOES NO ONE CARRY ME ANYMORE?!
Suddenly, nothing I like is cool. Why is it suddenly uncool to watch Titanic alone in the dark? When it came out, it was the shizzle. Oh, and music too. Since when did everyone give up on The Mamas and the Papas? And The Beatles? And Bonnie Raitt? Da fuck?
I can’t use my parents as an excuse anymore. “Mom said I can’t go.” “I’m grounded.” “Mom says I have to clean the kitchen.” Now I’m responsible for my own bailouts. People know when I’m lying. I’m all like, “Sorry, I have to do laundry.” That’s not legitimate. Whenever I hear that, I know it’s bullshit. LAUNDRY ISN’T AN INVOLVED PROCESS. THAT EXCUSE IS HORSE FEATHERS. “Sorry, I’m tired.” Not valid anymore. People will tell you to nut up and drink a Red Bull. AND THEY’RE RIGHT. THAT’S WHAT YOU DO.
There are 3 things awesome about adulting.
Sex without shame
Concerts with no supervision.