I Didn’t Think Saying Goodbye To You Would Hurt This Bad

João Silas
João Silas

I knew it would never feel like the right thing to do. I spent many nights, some lying next to you, where I couldn’t sleep because I was too busy thinking that when this was over I might never see you again.

To be frank, saying goodbye to anyone is never fun. There are some that are easier than others because you know you’re going to see that person again.

But that’s not a guarantee with you.

Our last night together, I couldn’t sleep. I spent the night trying to remember everything we’d been through over the past few months. In only a few months, we actually experienced a lot together and it wasn’t all fun or easy.

I tried to remember all of it. I tried to remember how it felt to touch your skin, your hair, the structure of your jawline and cheekbones. How they looked with the different expressions you make. I was torn about waking you up. I thought about it, but I didn’t.

The next morning was torture for me. I felt like I left my body. I couldn’t talk because I was afraid of bursting into tears at talking to you. I wrote you a letter. I was nervous to give it to you. I still don’t know if you’ve read it, but I hope you find it and you do read it. Sometimes I find it easier to express how I feel through writing than talking. And even though I was nervous writing it and giving it to you, I truly want you to know how I feel.

I should’ve been prepared for goodbye. We had never gone on a real date, we’d never really even spent a day together. And yet, I wasn’t ready.

Someone once said, “Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages.” If this is true, my ribs are a weak prison. They let my heart run wild and fall hard with little resistance. You had the key that fit the lock to the cage, and I did nothing to fight it off. It’s hard to think right now that I miss you and there’s no way of knowing whether or not you feel the same way about me.

Unless I ask you. But I’m not going to do that.

I know there were things you liked about me. I’m easy to get along with and I didn’t keep you on a tight leash. I never felt the need to check up on you. You never gave me a reason to. You were upfront with me about everything, and for that, I’m truly grateful.

Saying goodbye to you didn’t feel like the right thing to do. I understand that it makes sense for us to say goodbye. It may have been only a summer, but being with you made me happy. And I enjoy being happy. Leaving you meant I’m back on my own. Which I’m good at, in fact, I’m quite independent. Still, as much pride as I take in the fact that I know I’m good at being on my own, there’s nothing that can beat being with someone else who can make you happy just by being in your presence. I’ll miss being happy around you.

Truly, the worst part is knowing that I may never see you again. Keeping in touch is one thing. I want you to keep talking to me. I want to be part of your life in any way you can fit me in. Just know, if I see you again, you better brace yourself, because I literally may run at you and knock you over jumping into your arms. Because you still have the key that fits the lock to cage on my heart. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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