Sometimes Being Together Isn’t Enough To Fall In Love

Pavel Badrtdinov
Pavel Badrtdinov

“If you can’t have the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

It’s comforting being with someone who cares about you. Every time you need a shoulder to cry on, a rock for support, a cuddle buddy at the end of a bad day, it’s great to have that person there. But what if that person likes you more than you like them? Should you stay with him or her because you do like them, you could see yourself growing to like them more, they’re great to have around, but there’s something missing.

In these situations, it’s best to be honest. Be honest with yourself, and ask why you’re sticking around. If it’s for the right reasons, great! But if it’s because you feel comfortable but something’s missing, then you know what you have to do. And most importantly, you need to be honest with your partner. He’s (or she’s) a person too, has feelings, and you need to respect those feelings.

This is especially true if you still think you’re in love with someone else. I’ve heard and read that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. That might be the case for some people, but it’s not true for everyone. Sure, you can find someone to have fun with for the time being. It’s a good distraction and a great band aid, but that’s all it is. And if you’re both just looking to have fun, that needs to be made known right from the beginning.

But if you meet someone who wants something more serious, then you need to make a decision on whether or not you’re ready for that. It’s okay to not be ready for that. Love isn’t something you can just forget about. Personally, I’m the type of person to fall hard and fast and then spend a long time getting over it. Especially when it’s left open-ended. Those are the WORST.

The reason behind that is you have no idea why things ended in the first place. And it probably has nothing to do with you, but you’re still going to question everything, from the things you could have done differently to question you as a person.

You should never feel like you have to question yourself as a person. For me, this is always the hardest part. I put so much of my time, energy and resources into being with someone I share a connection with, then it goes away. I place so much value on maintaining the relationship, I question my own value when it’s over. And it’s the worst feeling in the world.

I’m lucky enough to have friends and family who build me up, and help me realize my worth as a person again. I’m lucky enough to visit places that make me realize there’s a whole world out there full of new places to explore and new people to meet.

And what about these open-ended endings? Would it be wise, if the opportunity came up ever again, to rekindle the relationship between this person?

Despite the friends and family telling you it’s a bad idea, I would do it. I would give that person a second chance. But the relationship would be different. Trust would be that much harder to earn. And if this person was serious about giving it a second chance, they would have to accept that.

You cannot pick up from where you left off. It has to be as if you were starting from the beginning again.

So back to the original statement: if you can’t have the one you love, love the one you’re with — I don’t think you can do that. Because if you’re still in love with someone else, you’ll never be able to completely love the new person. And that’s not fair if they love you. It also sounds like you’re settling. Something you should never have to do.

Best advice: take time to fall back in love with yourself, and out of love with the other person. Be okay with being alone and being single. Do things with friends who value your company and know how amazing you are. And when you’re feeling your best, someone will come into your life and it will be the right time. TC mark

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