This list was accumulated with the help of a fabulous group of women who talk online about the absolute joy that is dating
The perspective this is written is from a hetero, cis woman. However, these identities are very gender fluid and can be used to describe pretty much anyone. I, for one, am probably a mix of The Worrier, The Chatterbox, and the Juvenile.
A: The Absentee Texter.
He will send you a message, you will reply, then he will not respond for hours, days, or weeks. Sometimes, years, because he lives in a world that obviously revolves around him and he does not take into account the fact that you might ever 1) want a response or 2) have something else going on in your life and have no interest in hearing from someone you banged three years ago.
B: The Basic Bro.
He will not reply during any sporting event, even golf. He is also likely to not know the real definition of feminism, but he’d be offended if you pointed it out. However, he is not MRA or overly paranoid about his masculinity. He’s not too manly to send you an emoji. He may not understand sarcasm, irony, or subtlety, but he will buy your drink as he watches “the game” over your shoulder at the bar once you have said yes to his oh-so-eloquent “drink?” text.
C: The Chatterbox.
This guy is GOOD at texting. He’s just not good at actually dating. You will have witty repartee for days with The Chatterbox. You just won’t ever get a date. If you ever ask him out, he will go silent, then ask you a poignant, interesting question days later that convinces you to respond, sucking you into yet another glorious exchange.
D: The Dad Texter.
He sends puns and one-liners so often that sometimes you get confused when you glance at your phone because you aren’t sure if it’s your dad or the guy you banged the night before. (Ew.)
E: The Text-Emailer.
He sends messages longer than most people’s emails and expects your reply to respond to every single thing he brought up in his message. If you forget that in the seventeenth paragraph he mentioned he had to take his dog to the vet, he will bring it up for weeks afterwards.
F: The Fuckboy.
The Fuckboy is a fuckboy because boy, would you fuck him. He will flirt with you via text. You will show his picture to your friends because he is the reason women now objectify men. You will arrange a date shortly after you start texting. You will have a drink, then find yourself naked in bed staring at his gloriousness and then realize that he is 30 and still doesn’t know where the clit is. You will fuck him anyway. You will fuck him again in a few weeks because really, it couldn’t have been that bad. You will fuck him for a third time just to be able to keep saying you are fucking him, even though he still fucks like a rabbit and still doesn’t seem to understand that women today expect to orgasm, even on one night stands. You understand that this is because women keep fucking him just to be able to say they are fucking him. You realize you are part of the problem. You change his name to “fuckboy” in your phone and only text when you are really hard up.
G: The Ghoster.
He will stop texting in the middle of a conversation about making your next date. You will never hear from him again.
H: The Hater.
He is cynical and bitter about EVERYTHING. He hates politics and thinks caring about it is naive and misguided. He hates Facebook and thinks that the world is falling to shit because everyone is addicted to it. He hates people and can rant for hours about people who walk too slowly and block the sidewalk, people who talk on their phones while at the checkout, people who call him instead of texting him. As annoying as all of this is, the worst part is that he actually hates women and if you don’t reply in a timely manner or say something he dislikes, he will spiral down into a screed so hateful you won’t be able to stop yourself from posting it on Bye Felipe.
I: The Instagrammer.
Unlike The Lying Technophobe (stay tuned), the Instagrammer really doesn’t text. He does, however, have Instagram, Snapchat, FB messenger, AIM, and Yik Yak. In order to get to know him, you must become an expert at one or all of these mediums. God forbid you ever send him a text instead of a DM.
J: The Juvenile.
He tells a lot of jokes that are also commonly heard in a middle school lunchroom. Sometimes it gets to be a bit much. Other times, “that’s what she said” is still the funniest thing in the world.
K: The Kommonly Konfused Words Guy.
He has multiple graduate degrees but can’t get “there/their/they’re” right. At first you think it’s a typo and give him a break. By the third mistake you start lecturing yourself about not being judgmental, maybe he is really smart but dyslexic, or went to bad schools most of his life. By the fifth wrong “your” though, you are sending him a link to grammarly.com and deleting his number because you can’t imagine correcting your partner’s homophones for the rest of your life.
L: The Lurker.
The Lurker keeps his phone on do not disturb all the time. You aren’t sure why, but can’t help but wonder if he does it just to create an aura of mystery he would otherwise definitely not have. You ask him about it and he says something about his “art.” When you ask to see his art, he only replies with vague assurances that you will definitely see it when it’s “ready.”
M: The Mindfuck.
His text messages will always be confusing answers to questions you asked, generally saying “yes” when you have proposed two or more alternatives. He will tell you that he hates getting texts and other modern things but will get mad at you when you choose to not text him because he said he hates getting texts.
N: The Neg.
The only book he’s ever read is that guide to picking up “chicks.” His first message says that you look great in that blue dress but that the blue eyeshadow was a bit much. He is the king of negging. It drives you crazy, especially because you have a suspicion it would have worked on you when you were twenty.
O: The Open Book.
Otherwise known as the oversharer. Within twenty minutes of texting you know that he’s been sober for a year and six days, that his parents divorced when he was five, and that he thinks he might be developing an allergy to his roommate’s cat. He doesn’t even know where you are from.
P: The Pedant.
He knows everything about everything. Or he is really good at Wikipedia. Either way, you can’t say something without getting a lecture. Did you accidentally call America a democracy? Don’t worry, he’ll let you know really quickly that it is a democratic republic. The only reason you keep his number is that you are thinking he might be a good alternate for your trivia team.
Q: The Questioner.
He sends text messages as if he is Geraldo Rivera and you might be the baby daddy. He asks you so many questions that eventually he knows the name of your fifth grade class’s gerbil. He thinks this means he knows you really well, that you are intimates. But since you’ve never actually met in person, you are pretty sure he’d pass you on the street without recognizing you.
R: The Read Receipt.
He is clearly a psychopath because he has his read receipts turned on. This means that you will send him a text message and see that he has read it and then he will not respond for days. This will drive you insane. HE READ THE TEXT! WHY WON’T HE RESPOND? Your friends will get very tired of hearing those two sentences phrased in the various ways you end up saying it.
S: The Sexter.
He will text you sexual innuendo that hints at future dates every three weeks but will respond to any attempts to schedule with obfuscation. Eventually, you will realize that you will never actually see him naked, but will not delete his number because conversations with him are good for a nice round of polishing your pearl.
T: The (Lying) Technophobe.
The Technophobe likes to pretend that societal habits and expectations never change. He will say that he hates texting. He will say things like, “Can I just call you?” You will check your calendar to see if it is suddenly 1994. You will be won over by his charming ludditeness. Then, on your third date, his phone will vibrate repeatedly because it turns out that he is in a group chat with fifteen other men. If you were to ever gain access to this chat, you would see equal parts sports, insulting memes, and pornographic gifs. He will answer these texts during the date, explaining that he really must because there is money on the line or someone lost a bet or they are planning a road trip and if he doesn’t speak up they will end up in Alabama again.
U: The What’s Up Dude.
He asks you this question often and in a variety of ways. What’s up? Wassup? What’s going on? How’s things? He doesn’t not know how to have an actual conversation. He checks in fairly regularly. Sometimes these messages arrive at booty call times. Sometimes they arrive when you are procrastinating at work and you reply. “Nm. U?” He says “Same,” then nothing else until the next “What’s up?”
V: The “I Need Visuals” Guy.
You have a generous number of pictures on your profile. There is the goofy one, the nice smile, the obligatory full body shot, and the one with people (to show that you have friends). This is not enough for visuals guy. Within the first few texts he is asking you to send pics. You look down at the crumbs on your giant t-shirt, pat the messy bun on top of your head and poke again at the zit you are sure is coming out on your chin. Does he want a pic of this version of you? The version that normally he wouldn’t see for months, the version that partners only see when you are sure that the sight of you in your natural state won’t send them running. No, you think, he must want sexy pics. You ask him what he’s looking for and he knows it is creepy to ask for nudes, so he says, “Oh, just anything.” You send a pic that is ten percent your face, ninety percent your cat. You never hear from him again.
W: The Worrier.
He will text you constantly and get impatient when you don’t reply in half an hour. He will think that you are lying dead, trapped under a subway car. When he finds out that you were in a meeting he will laugh and say he was joking, only to repeat said behavior the next time it takes you more than 30 seconds to reply.
Alternatively, The Winker.
He doesn’t understand that only one percent of all winks in the history of humanity have been sexy. He ends every text with a wink. He thinks this is charming and sexy. All it does is remind you of that substitute you had freshmen year of high school who was later fired under suspicious circumstances.
X: The eXposer.
He will send you unsolicited pics of his dick. What separates him from the fuckboy is that he makes sure to do it at the most inopportune times. Like when he knows you have your weekly staff meeting or when you are at a funeral. His greatest thrill in life is knowing that you will be suddenly staring at his engorged cock while surrounded by people whom you never want to know that you sometimes get dick pics. He loves to imagine that just as you open his message your boss glances over your shoulder. He likes to think of your discomfort and impotent rage as you explain that you weren’t actually sexting while Chad was describing the quarterly earnings. If you were to ever express to him that you like this behavior he will immediately stop.
Y: The Yesman.
He responds to every text with yes, yeah, ok, sure, or definitely. Sometimes you have not asked a question, but that doesn’t seem to disrupt his positive flow.
Z: The Zombie.
This guy will only talk to you about television shows. Specifically, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, and The Wire. He will judge you if you don’t watch those shows.