Twilight Emergency Audience Response (TEAR)

Have you just seen the latest Twilight film Breaking Dawn? Are you experiencing subsequent confusion, depression, lack of female empowerment, or seizures? If so, please review our list of frequently asked questions.

Q: Bella waits until she’s married to have sex, but then when she does, she gets pregnant with a baby that seems to want to kill her. Is this truly God’s justice?

A: On a scale of “The McRib is only available for a limited time” (truly unjust) to “Kim Kardashian’s wedding lasted 72 days” (truly just), Bella’s miraculous vampiric conception is about as just as “Nicholas Cage’s career.”

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Q: The only thing I really learned about Bella in the movie is that she’s a girl (apparently a very fertile girl), and that she really likes sex. Is that all there is to her?

A: Yes.

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Q: Throughout the movie, Bella’s baby is referred to as a baby, a fetus, and a demon child. Which is it?

A: According to my Mom, babies are all of the above at some point.

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Q: Can a werewolf really fall in love with a baby?

A: This question can only be answered with another question: is a bodice-ripping young adult series about bestiality and necrophilia written by a Mormon really one of the best-selling book and film franchises of all time?

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Q: Charlie Swan, Bella’s dad, has an impressive mustache. Can I grow one just like that?

A: Adopting a mustache is a big responsibility, and you have to make sure you’re ready for both the joys and consequences that come with it. Remember, a mustache begins at the stubble, so you can’t shave it off – doing so would be to kill your fledgling mustache and damn you to Facial Hair Hell.

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Q: Breaking Dawn left me with a lot of questions. Is there a sequel that will answer my questions?

A: Our scientists are still working to figure this out. However, they have narrowed it down to two possibilities: 1) There is no sequel to Breaking Dawn or 2) There is a sequel, but it will most likely not answer your questions. Only time will tell.

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Q: What is “the most absolute law”?

A: This is a question philosophers have pondered for centuries. Socrates thought it was that the body and soul are separate; Hegel thought it was his system of absolute idealism. But the most absolute law, in modern opinion, is that Twilight: Breaking Dawn should not be seen sober. TC mark

image – Twilight

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  • michael kramer

    oh cool

    an article about why twilight sucks on the internet

    • John Lowry

      Oh cool. A trolling douchebag on the internet.

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    Just once, I’d like to read an article written by an intelligent person that bashes Twilight.
    It’s called a willing suspension of disbelief, and it’s the same mindset we should watch all movies with. Twilight is no more real than whatever other ridiculous Pop romance films are being released this year; at least give Twilight credit for approaching the subject of love (etc) from a fantasy basis – films like Valentine’s Day or New Year’s Eve masquerade as reality. It’s your fault if you don’t see that no films can be believed as they are; once you concede and accept belief (something one has to do to appreciate any film), every point in this article is moot. Please, no more.

    • The Bella Twins

      Stop living vicariously through Bella and go lose your own virginity. Boom Roasted.

      • Tyrone

        toasteddddddddd
        baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaked as braaaaaaaaaaaaah

    • Catt

      Someone else posted this somewhere else first, but I’ll take the torch from them and keep passing this article along.
      http://badassdigest.com/2011/11/17/film-crit-hulk-smash-hulk-vs-twilight/

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        ohmagaw funniest thing i’ve ever read. THANK YOU

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        “BECAUSE IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE CRITICAL OF SOMETHING, AT LEAST IN A WAY THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS JUDGMENTAL, YOU SHOULD BE FAIR AND ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE CRITICIZING. “

      • Catt

        Which the majority of us do.

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        depends who “us” is :) thanks for the link, that was perfect

      • Team Edward

        Are you suggesting that the author didn’t read any of the Twilight books or watch the movies just because they’re making fun of them? If so, then you need to go back to what you posted early re: criticizing things you know nothing about.

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        Nope, wasn’t suggesting that, so right back atcha

      • Team Edward

        K, just checking! Glad to see that you’re heeding your own advice :)

  • Evie

    Sure, suspending disbelief is needed for (some) movies, but there are movies that do it much better than Twilight. I think that’s why people poke fun at the franchise, like this article. Also, the questions the author asks aren’t moot if you suspend disbelief since they aren’t about the credibility of the movie, but the quality. Further, this is a humor piece, not film theory! Lighten up – I thought it was funny.

  • Anonymous

    tinyurl.ie/7fb

  • Keltydennis

    Wow Kim kardashian’s WEDDING lasted 72 days? That’s a long fucking wedding.

    :)

    • Tyrone

      no.

  • Anonymous

    tinyurl.ie/7fb

  • The other Bella

    “best-selling book and film franchises of all time?”

    Avada Kedavra!!

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