Q: Bella waits until she’s married to have sex, but then when she does, she gets pregnant with a baby that seems to want to kill her. Is this truly God’s justice?
A: On a scale of “The McRib is only available for a limited time” (truly unjust) to “Kim Kardashian’s wedding lasted 72 days” (truly just), Bella’s miraculous vampiric conception is about as just as “Nicholas Cage’s career.”
Q: The only thing I really learned about Bella in the movie is that she’s a girl (apparently a very fertile girl), and that she really likes sex. Is that all there is to her?
Q: Throughout the movie, Bella’s baby is referred to as a baby, a fetus, and a demon child. Which is it?
A: According to my Mom, babies are all of the above at some point.
Q: Can a werewolf really fall in love with a baby?
A: This question can only be answered with another question: is a bodice-ripping young adult series about bestiality and necrophilia written by a Mormon really one of the best-selling book and film franchises of all time?
Q: Charlie Swan, Bella’s dad, has an impressive mustache. Can I grow one just like that?
A: Adopting a mustache is a big responsibility, and you have to make sure you’re ready for both the joys and consequences that come with it. Remember, a mustache begins at the stubble, so you can’t shave it off – doing so would be to kill your fledgling mustache and damn you to Facial Hair Hell.
Q: Breaking Dawn left me with a lot of questions. Is there a sequel that will answer my questions?
A: Our scientists are still working to figure this out. However, they have narrowed it down to two possibilities: 1) There is no sequel to Breaking Dawn or 2) There is a sequel, but it will most likely not answer your questions. Only time will tell.
Q: What is “the most absolute law”?
A: This is a question philosophers have pondered for centuries. Socrates thought it was that the body and soul are separate; Hegel thought it was his system of absolute idealism. But the most absolute law, in modern opinion, is that Twilight: Breaking Dawn should not be seen sober.