I often think of the first time we went to a bar.
I was resistant because it was a Tuesday and I had a 9 a.m. on Wednesday.
I could never say no to you, though.
I remember you rounding the corner of my apartment building as I had just got back from my night class.
You walked towards me with the widest smile on your face
Wearing the cardigan you always wore.
You were wearing both the smile and cardigan when we met in person for the first time.
We went upstairs to my apartment so I could put my stuff away
And so I could pee.
My small bladder always made you laugh.
You sat on the couch with my roommate as she watched Alice in Wonderland for class.
It was always so easy with you.
It was a September night.
The air was still warm with a cold chill that would give you goosebumps if the breeze lasted long enough.
We walked to the bar.
You said you loved hugs.
I said me too.
We talked about how we both rarely cried and that we wished we did more.
Little did I know that I would cry more within the next six months than I ever had in my whole life.
You helped me feel again.
We drank $2 beers on the patio and talked about our lives,
And you told me how you first sat in the back of a cop car when you were in fifth grade.
I had always been a goodie two shoes.
I think you liked that about me.
I went to the bathroom and politely asked you not to drug me while you watched my drink.
You asked me to take off my glasses so you could see what I looked like without them.
We went to another bar down the street and I took my first tequila shot.
You touched my leg when you got up to go to the bathroom and I knew I was done for.
I was very tipsy, but you have been drinking since you were 16.
You seemed as though you hadn’t had a drink that night.
That’s the night where I coined the term “lightweight.”
I had to pee again on our walk back home.
I asked you to tell me a story to distract me.
You told me about a dream you had as a child with your grandpa, a car, and a big orange cloud.
I loved hearing your dreams.
As we approached my building,
You asked if you could come up or if I wanted to go back to yours to watch Adventure Time.
It was 11 p.m. and I was close to drunk, utterly infatuated with you, and nervous.
I said I was ready for bed.
You hugged me goodnight and that was it.
I texted you explaining how my feelings for you freaked me out.
You said you didn’t kiss me because you didn’t want to push my boundaries or make me uncomfortable.
You have always been so nice and respectful.
I probably could have told you I loved you that night.