Falling In Love With The Idea Of Him

Julian Bialowas - www.instagram.com/julianbialowas/
Julian Bialowas –

I’ve learned that every person we meet holds a specific role in our lives. Each with a certain lesson we must learn. Not all of these people, or lessons, are ones we want to accept though. That brings us to sadness and confusion, heart break, even feeling completely lost.

At the end of my junior year of high school I started dating my now ex-boyfriend who would come to be longest relationship I’ve ever had, almost 4 years. Those 4 years were full of lessons and took away some personal growth I could have had at the end of high school and my first few years of college. I was blocked off from most of the world that didn’t have anything to do with my boyfriend and he liked to keep it that way. The end of our relationship came due to a new lesson who showed up in my life. This boy came out of nowhere. If I would have seen him coming, knowing what I was about to learn… I would have ran for my life. This boy was my first true love, and my first true heart break. He swept me off my feet faster than the waves crashing into the sand. He knew exactly what to say and somehow got me to end my longest relationship and rearrange my life completely. I went from a sheltered shy runner’s girlfriend to an outgoing vulnerable Me. It was the first time I was myself in a long time, but I grasped right onto his chest instead of letting my feet hit the ground before we went running. Looking back I wish I could change every little thing, because maybe we would still be together. But as time goes on and he continues to pop in and out of my life knowing I can’t stop loving him, I’m starting to realize what I truly do love about him.

I love the idea of him. I love the words he spoke to change my lengthy-boring-safe relationship into something fresh and exhilarating. I loved meeting a family that actually cared about me and still to this day reaches out to me like we’re blood. I love the long summer nights with someone who made me feel wild instead of old. I love the passion that came with each touch, hug, kiss, and hold. I love the idea of being his, the idea of us being together. But ideas are a part of our minds, they only come alive with effort and a true reason to be.

This is why he became my worst-best lesson. He taught me how to love, or more like what it feels like to love. He did not teach me what it feels like to be loved, rather what it feels like to be desired or infatuated with. He taught me how to worry, and how to grieve with no reason at hand. He taught me how to feel like I’m drowning when trying to come up with the words to describe how I feel. He taught me how to crave attention and lose full awareness of what being alive should feel like. He taught me how to hold on to nothing more than a string with all of my weight dangling below.

His lesson may have swallowed me into depths I wished to never reach, but he taught me to do more than just cry…

I learned how to grow.

I discovered how to push myself for just one reason, myself. I found it’s possible to be happy on your own and be the rescue you needed all along.

I love the idea of him still to this day. And I will probably love him the rest of my life. That is a lesson I won’t be able to forget with a large sting, but it does remind me of one thing… I learned something. Our lessons can either help us grow or burry us into the ground. It’s up to you to decide how you grow. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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