I fell for you, even though deep down I knew you weren’t right.
When I first met you, I knew you were going to give me trouble. Something about that cheeky smile. Something about the way you laughed and made jokes. Something about the way you looked at me. Something about the way you made me feel.
I guess the worst part is that I was warned about men like you – the smooth talkers, the affectionate deceivers, the ones whose charm can mask their deepest and darkest intentions. And although the signs were everywhere, waving their bright red flags, begging me to turn around and to go no further, I ignored them in hopes of proving the universe wrong.
I opened up to you. With every affectionate touch and with every encouraging and inspiring word, I let you tear down my walls.
And with every personal text message and phone call, you let me believe that you were here to stay; that you were real.
You kissed me and told me I was beautiful and that I was what you were looking for. Our dates were always an adventure. I could talk to you about anything. You comforted me even when I didn’t know I needed it. Somehow you made me think that you were what I was looking for.
But now, as I lay here in my bed, alone, knowing full-well that you are out there setting your bait for the next victim, I realize that I was never anything more than a sport to you. I was a game to be played. A city to be conquered. And like a hunter with the heads of game mounted focally on the walls, so you set me in your crosshairs and you were able to capture my wild heart.
Feeling your warm arrow of excitement pierce me, I didn’t struggle or try to get away even though deep down I knew you were a sport hunter.
You didn’t try to hurt me or forcibly take my naive heart. You were cunning and somehow convinced me to give it to you. And now it sits carefully placed next to the others in your trophy case of affection.
I knew you didn’t care as much as you said or as much as your false gestures would lead me to believe. But I didn’t listen because I wanted to see something different. I wanted to soak in the feelings of love. I wanted to be a part of something so badly that I almost threw myself away.
And while I have stolen most of my heart back, there is a part of me that wants you to keep that final piece. Because one day when I find the love I’m looking for, I want you to feel the guilt that goes with deception. I want you to look at yourself and wonder how you could be so cold as to treat me like you did; to lose me. I want you to keep that small piece of me so that you can look at it and be reminded that you once broke me… But I was stronger. I pieced myself back together and I found happiness in spite of your attempts to torture me with your coming and going. You may have been strong enough to break me, but I was too strong to let you keep me that way.
But if it never happens, if you never regret how things ended, I want you to know that I’m happy. Happy without you. I’m proud that I was able to move on despite your hold on my heart. I’m proud to have embraced the reality of what happened between us and take the control I needed. This satisfaction that I feel is what drives me to keep enjoying my life in spite of you. It gives me confidence in my ability to keep moving forward.
And if you never think of me again, I hope you know that I plan to forget all about you.
Slowly but surely, you’ve already started to fade from my memories. Your smell, the feeling of your touch on my skin, your laugh – it’s all a little dimmer than it was only a few months ago. I will forget all about the surface parts of you, but I will always remember how you broke me. And how I was strong enough to overcome your cruelty.
I think I understand now the power of instinct. First impressions aren’t always right, but the gut is never wrong.