You Had A Way Of Making Me Love You And Hate You, All At The Same Time

Thinking of you is difficult. Thinking of you is wonderful. Thinking of you is so many things all at once. It’s like what Forrest Gump said (kind of): thinking of you is like a box of chocolates, I never really know what I’m gonna get.

Some days I think of you and it’s amazing. I remember the laughs, the inside jokes. I remember how you made me feel – like I was invincible, if only to you. But that was all I needed. I only needed you to think of me like that; everybody else didn’t matter. Sometimes I get that invincible feeling again.

But other times, it’s just the opposite. Sometimes I remember the end, how we swore we’d never end up like that, but we did anyway. I remember the fights, the drama, seeing you look right through me as if I wasn’t even in front of you.

I read somewhere once that in order to experience the good and the joy, you have to experience the bad and the pain. With you I definitely experienced both; sometimes all at the same time. You had a way of making me love you and hate you all at the same time. I’m not talking about the “I love you so much I hate you” kind of feeling. I’m talking about the “I want to punch you but also kiss you” kind of feeling.

Maybe that was part of the desire; you made me feel so many things after being numb for so long that everything got tangled. Because even in the difficult moments with you, I could picture the amazing moments and that somehow balanced everything out. But maybe that’s why I had to leave. Maybe I was feeling too many things at once and the tangles were knotted beyond repair. Maybe the pain started to outweigh the joy.

There are plenty of reasons why things between us ended; reasons that my friends and I have dissected time and time again. There are plenty of reasons that thinking of you will be wonderful, and plenty of reasons that thinking of you will kill me. In those wonderful moments, I’ll take it all in and smile because it’ll take it me back to the great times we had. And in the difficult moments, I’ll still smile because at one point you were all I wanted; the bad and the good.

Thinking of you isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s all I can do hold it together when the memories come flooding back. But I wouldn’t trade my time with you for anything in the world, I just wish things would have ended how we always planned.