Thank You For Breaking Me

You broke me. You shattered me. At one time I thought you would be the one to heal me, the one to take all the pain that I had suffered in the past and somehow make it better. That’s a lot to put on one person, I know. But if anyone could do it, I knew you could.

You were such an amazing person, such an amazing friend. You checked on me when I was sick, called to tell me that you missed me, and listened to any problem that I had. I had known for a long that I had feelings for you, and that you had feelings for me. I tried to deny it for so long; I didn’t want to ruin what we had. Maybe if I had just trusted my feelings for you, things would’ve been different.

At first, I thought things were fantastic. You were sweet, and attentive, and you made me feel special. Then you told me about her. And the other girl. And I heard you talking to the others about it and I could feel my heart sink in my chest. But then you were somehow amazing to me again and my heart rose a little.

I think you figured out that you could play my feelings like a yo-yo, and I think you liked it. Or rather, I think you got scared and this was easier for you; it was easier to keep me at arm’s length than to go through with the promises you made me. It was easier for you to take your heart out of the equation and break mine than it was for you to go all in.

The only problem is, now I’m dealing with the mess you made. I’m the one who has had to pick up the pieces from damage that you caused. I’m being held together with duct tape and glue, and it still sometimes hurts to breathe. It still rips my heart from my chest when I hear your name, or see your picture, or see one of the millions of things that remind me of you.

I’m getting better, every day I can breathe a little easier. Every day the duct tape and glue become a little more unnecessary. But that still doesn’t take away from how you shattered me into so many pieces that I was nearly unrecognizable for so long. It doesn’t take away from the fact I almost didn’t come back from what you did.

It took me so long to be myself again, and I’m still not completely my old self. I don’t even remember what I was like back then, before you happened. I’m trying to find myself, how I used to be, and it hasn’t been easy. In a weird way, you made me stronger. Not at first, but eventually.

I’m not angry anymore, I don’t hate you anymore. I have days where I wonder what might have been, what could’ve happened if things went the way they should have. I didn’t see a life with you, but I saw maybe someday seeing a future with you. I thought someday that we would be in a place that we would want to plan the future together, that one day I could love you. But you took that from me.

I just have one thing to say: thank you. Thank you for putting me through all the things you did so I could be stronger and have more amazing things than you could ever give me. Thank you for breaking me so that I could put myself back together to be stronger than before. Thank you for showing me what I want, and how I want to be treated, and that I deserve so much more than what you were and are capable of giving.

I now know that you aren’t the amazing person I thought you were. You are not a good person, and the things that you did will catch up to you. Everything will come back to you, and I know that whatever comes your way, you’ll deserve it. I don’t hate you, I just hope that you get what you deserve.