You just got hired. You’ve got big, big plans and ambitions; look out corporate world! But, wait. Are you 100% sure you’re not actually working for an Evil Overlord? Could this company be part of a masterful conglomeration set on global destruction? Does the company’s motto, “The tears of our enemies will grease the wheels of progress” make you nervous? Here are a few signs you might be working for an Evil Overlord:
1. They made you take a blood oath.
Orientation was a bit weird (trust falls, company mission statements, etc.), but it took a wild turn when they passed around a communal blade and made you sign a scroll with your own dripping, bloody finger. Whatever, though, right? Those benefits were legit!
2. The interns keep disappearing.
Like…literally disappearing. Where the hell is Mark? He never came back after you sent him to operations to check on supplies and that’s the third intern this month?! Igor keeps bringing you “fresh, new meat” as he puts it, and that just feels like an HR violation waiting to happen.
3. The underground lair.
It’s the one conference room that’s always booked and you’re not even sure how you ended up there that one time. Maybe you had too much to drink at the holiday party, but you’re definitely, pretty sure you saw it that one time. Well, pretty sure…
4. The blood-like beverage machine.
I mean, there are protein shakes and then there are protein shakes. But this is just gross. No thank you.
5. The howling shrieks coming from the conference room.
At first you thought it was just the excitement of making quarterly sales goals. But then there were the whip cracks and the crying…
6. The leg chains keeping accounting to their desks.
You get it; we have to crunch those numbers. But this feels a little dark.
7. Those hidden notes you keep finding stashed in weird places.
Passive aggressive notes have no place in the office. That goes for the note you found in the toilet paper roll saying, “I haven’t seen my kids in three weeks! Please send help!” It’s just bad for morale.
8. The bonuses consist of personal slaves, spoils of war, and lear jets.
What are you really gonna do with a gold plated sconce or a “personal assistant” who only speaks some strange Eastern European language anyway?
9. The self-destruct button and emergency exit plan posted by the stairs.
Are we really going to level the building in a final blast? Are we walking around on that much TNT every day? These anti-hacker cyber-security measures are extreme.
10. You haven’t seen your business partner in awhile and his family keeps asking about him.
Plus, your manager never even mentions it. “Bill? Bill who?” Then she chuckles…
11. Your boss’s evil, diabolical laugh, wild haircut and high, high shoulder pads.
And that one eyebrow that curves up in a weird way when she’s thinking? Those long silk capes? At first, you thought the high-waisted jeans were bad…
12. That time you worked late and saw the board meeting where everyone had those weird sex masks on…
Maybe you still have a lot to learn about public offerings and Go To Market planning meetings? It all feels waaayyy above your head right now.
Advice? It’s probably too late. By the time you’ve read this, the company already knows you’re onto them. You took a blood oath, after all. Good luck!