1. Most people don’t really wants to go to your kid’s birthday party. Sending invites to anyone other than close friends or family is unnecessary. It’s sweet to be invited, and the thought and consideration is really very nice, but you can’t actually expect acquaintances to show up, right? This is something you ask of GOOD friends, just like you would when you need help moving. Matter of fact, let’s just be clear on that — going to some kid’s birthday party is the non-hard labor equivalent of assisting a friend with moving, if said friend lived on the second floor, owned lots of heavy furniture and decided to move on the hottest day in July.
2. If they’re ugly, you have to be aware of it. I mean, obviously nobody is going to say it, but surely you know. Look, a lot of kids are ugly — matter of fact, the cute ones are a minority. It isn’t even until 6th-8th grade that peak ugliness sets in for many of us, so there’s nothing to worry about if your chubby, cross-eyed 5-year-old has an unsymmetrical face. All I’m saying is you shouldn’t force feed us pictures and videos of your little one if he (or she) looks like a toddler version of Steve Buscemi.
3. Just because you took 152 pictures at your kid’s birthday party, doesn’t mean you have to share 152 pictures from your kid’s birthday party on Facebook. 1 or 2 or none will do. No, really, you don’t have to – we insist.
4. When your child is running all over the place being loud or doing things they shouldn’t be, it’s usually more obnoxious than adorable. For example, if they’re in the grocery store putting there hands all over things or knocking items off of shelves, and you’re standing there with an ain’t-my-spawn-of-satan-adorbs type grin, there rest of us are all looking at you furiously, wondering why you’re being a bystander instead of a disciplinary. Look, we can’t blame the kid. A four year old kid rolling apples and carrot around on the filthy produce section floor doesn’t really know any better, it’s their parent’s job to make sure they learn these valuable life lessons. Otherwise, wouldn’t all of us be on some grocery store floor right now, doing something strange with a Kiwi.
5. If you smoke with your kid in the car or even in the same room, you’re kind of a dick. And that’s coming from those of us who don’t care enough to attend their birthday party, but do think they deserve to have solid health unless they choose to endure a pack a day firsthand when they’re grownups.
6. Not every story is cute – choose the ones you share wisely. It’s just that we don’t really care if little Nathan pooped twice today or stood up and started bobbing his head to Ke$ha. You need not share that on numerous social networks. Tell us about the good stuff, like when little Nathan said the F-word or peed on Grandpa’s khakis. Also, don’t let them listen to Ke$ha or we’ll be obligated to call Child Protective Services.